Eleven Mother's Days...

I was supposed to post this for Mother's Day but did not because it was such a rough day! I love you Alyssa!💜

Dear Alyssa,

So this makes Mother’s Day number 11 that I don’t get to spend with you. The last time I was able to hold you in my arms was 3896 days ago some days it feels like a lifetime other days it feels like just yesterday. When someone asks me the question how many children do you have I always answer one. When they ask if you live with me my answer is always yes and the answer will always be yes. When they ask me how old you are I answer that you would have been 18 but you are forever 7. Then they of course say oh I am so sorry what happened…then the answer comes that your life was stolen by cancer but now she is a beautiful purple butterfly. Then the comment comes that always comes wow you are so strong or some variation of that but then my response comes back I am not the strong one Alyssa was. She fought for her life and lived her life the way that everyone should. She lived as though today was all she had. She was amazing, she had a light that she spread to everyone she met. Then of course you have some that make a comment along the lines of well at least you didn’t have to go through the teen years. That is when of course the comment comes to my mind that I never say is which one of your children would you not want to go through moments of their life with. The honest truth is that I would trade anything and everything to have watched you grow up. To be able to go to your graduation in 4 days. I would love to be able to watch you leave for your prom dressed in a beautiful dress that we picked out together and have been able to do your hair for you. I also wish that I cold have just done the normal mundane daily things that go on in life. The conversations about boys, the conversations about how school is going, how someone at school said something that irritated you or even just talking about the things on TV. I would love to have some normal things with you just knowing that you are here and that I could eventually wrap my arms around you.  

This time of year affects me the ads that are on TV talking about how you shouldn’t forget to show mom how much you love her. The touching commercials about how the mother and daughter have a reunion or the commercials where the kids are drawing pictures for their moms to go along with the jewelry that dad bought for her. I don’t get that, I don’t have anyone that I want to share the day with and most people do not consider me a mom because I don’t have a child here to mother. I am though…I carried you for nine months…I gave birth to you…I held you in my arms…I fought for you…watched you grow…watched you learn…I watched you fight for your life…I made decisions that no parent should ever have to make for their child…I was there with you when you came into this world and I was there when you left it…I was the one who loved you from the moment I found out that you were going to be coming into this world and still love you today…I sat in your hospital room wishing that I could take away all of your pain…I learned how to do your dialysis so that you didn’t have to have someone else do it…I have hidden my tears so that you knew that you had my strength when you were weak…I have laughed through tears…and laughed until I cried…I have lost sleep…I have snuggled into a small bed with you so that you felt safe…I have yelled and screamed at people…I have held you while you cried…soothed your fears…and shown you that you have the spirit inside of you…I listened as you told me of your adventures during surgery…I have sat and worried and waited for news of you during surgery…I have done everything that a mom is supposed to do. So what about that says that I am not a mom?

It isn’t that I want to wipe out Mother’s day. I love the meaning behind the day, I love the reason for the day but I hate that my reason for being a mom isn’t here in person to celebrate the day with me. 

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,

 Mommy

18th Birthday

Dear Alyssa,

On this day 18 years ago I was able to hold you in my arms for the very first time...Look into those beautiful hazel eyes of yours...Kiss your forehead and run my fingers through your beautiful red hair. On this day 18 years ago I was in the presence of an angel as I am today but I am not given the opportunity to look into your eyes, kiss your forehead or run my fingers through your beautiful red hair...I can, however, tell you that you are the most beautiful presence in my life, you are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, you are the reason the sun rises and sets in my universe and I am going to love you so much you never feel unloved or unwanted. I am going to love you until the last star in the furthest solar system burns out. In the last 18 years these feelings have only grown... Happy Birthday to the brightest star in the sky...The most beautiful butterfly on earth...And the most adored, loved and beautiful angel in the Heavens! I wish I could spend this day with you but sadly we are too far apart...All my love to you my sweet purple butterfly angel!! I love you more than all the stars in the Heavens seen and unseen times infinity. Happy 18th sweet Alyssa Bailey Miller!!!🎂💐🌸🌹🌴🎈🎉

Love always,

Mommy

10 years

Dear Alyssa,

I cannot believe it has been 10 years since that horrible morning. I start thinking about it and know it was the most horrible morning of my life, but I also know that it was the last morning that I held your little hand, kissed your little face, held you in my arms. I know that I will never do that again. I know that I will never feel your breath against my cheek or your butterfly kisses. I know that I will never hear you say, "Mommy, I love you." That morning began a part of my life that I never thought that I would ever have to endure, but I am now in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to do. That morning changed so much for me. How do you know ho to be a mommy to your baby when she isn't even here anymore? How do you go on living when all you want to do is curl up and die? How do you continue to live on when your child's life has been cut short by cancer? This is the prison that I have been sentenced to. This is the burden that I must bear. I have to go on with the thought inside my head as every holiday passes it has been blah, blah, blah years since I lost you, and it is so many more than I was able to share with you or that you were able to celebrate. My birthday was just a few days ago...do you realize it was 33 more than you were able to celebrate? It makes me sad that you will be forever 7. Why do I feel like I am being punished? Like I am the worst mommy ever?

I can't say that I am not blessed because I have a view on life that most people do not have until they are much older than me. I have been given a gift. The gift of time and knowledge. I have been given the gift of knowing that the next moment or day is not promised, and that I need to make the most of the moments that I have. I have been blessed with knowing you and being the only one to hold such special memories close to my heart. I am also blessed because I was chosen to be your mommy. I cannot think of a better job or responsibility. I was given 7 years, 7 months, 28 days, 4 hours and 7 minutes with you. We made the most of those years, months, days, hours and minutes. Some days it is hard to remember that you are gone. Some days I sit and wonder what would it be like to talk to you and hear you talk back. I know I must seem like a crazy person because every time I see one of your butterflies flitting around I say, "Hi, and I love you Peanut." For some reason, it makes me feel better. Like you are still here with me and some days it makes me feel very alone. I guess that is just the feeling that is supposed to come when you lose a child. 

The other thing that always pops into my head with your anniversary is the day I first held you in my arms. I will never forget that moment looking down at your beautiful little pink face and head full of red hair. You were so peaceful laying there in my arms. You looked like an angel. I had the same feeling that I had on the day that I lost you that I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to be your world. I wanted nothing to come between your dreams and you. I wanted to protect you from any kind of hurt. I knew though that I would eventually have to let you go and experience the world, but at the same time I knew that was going to be the hardest thing that I would ever have to do. On the day that you were born everything was right with the world. I had this beautiful little blessing that I had nurtured, loved and carried for nine months. When I finally got to meet you and hold you in my arms I knew I would watch you become a woman some day and see you holding your baby in your arms. Then when the day came that I had to let you go I did not want to. I wanted to hold you until my arms could not anymore and even then I wanted to push myself to hold you because I knew that when I finally let you go I would never hold you again. I wanted to kiss you and remember the way you felt. I wanted to memorize the features of your face and the feeling of your skin. I wanted to hear your sassy little voice tell me that you had run out of kisses and hugs until the kiss and hug fairy came. I wanted to see you shake your finger at me and tell me "you know Mommy. I was only joking." You know though in those hours that I sat there and held you all I kept thinking was how you still looked like an angel to me. How I never wanted to let you go. I still wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I still wanted to give you the world. I still wanted to be your world. I still wanted to give you all of your dreams and protect you from hurt. I knew that the moment I laid you down and kissed you on the forehead one last time, it would be the last time in my life that I would be able to touch you. I knew that it was the last time I would be the world to anyone and it would be the last time I would be needed completely and totally by anyone. That day taught me something. It taught me that no matter who comes and goes in your life the one precious gift that you are given is the love of a child. It is the purest kind of love, there are not conditions, there are no moments of distrust. A child loves you unconditionally because they know no other way. That beautiful little soul that you brought into this world is pure. You are my one unconditional love my little peanut.

So on this day that marks 10 years of being an angel. I hope that you know I am jealous of those that have joined you. I hope you know that I am blessed with the memories of you. I hope that you know how much I love you. Who knew that the love of a mother can stretch across time and space into the spiritual world? I hope you know that I think of you daily. I hope that you know I see your little reminders. And I hope you know that I still look at the sunset each day the same way. 

Happy Angel Birthday Alyssa! Fly high my little butterfly!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always,
Mommy

 

My 40th

Dear Alyssa,

Made our butterfly cake today! Wish I could have made it with you!

My mind keeps flashing back to 10 years ago the last birthday that I got to spend with you. It is one of the best birthdays I think that I have ever had. Most people want big elaborated celebrations for their milestone birthdays but all I really wanted that day I got. I was blessed with a day to spend with you. We made my birthday cake together. You and I sat and talked about nothing in particular but it was so special to me. I loved our little birthday traditions. The baking of the birthday cake and of course icing it. Putting something special on top because a birthday cake just has to have something special on it. Then we would do our girly stuff as you called it. Painting fingers and toes talking about the things that were going on in your life and the things that were important to you…I know those things would have changed by now and probably would have included boys. I loved our talks and I miss them dearly but treasure the ones that we did have. Then of course when we were done with our girly stuff we would make a trip to the beach because every birthday needs to be celebrated with your feet in the sand and salt water. We would stop on our way home and pick up balloons that we would write on to your friends who had gotten their angel wings already and needed to be remembered and celebrated. Then we would go home and get there before your daddy. We would make dinner together and sit and eat together. Then of course no birthday is complete without cake and ice cream the ice cream being optional. Once we were done and you were ready for bed I got my birthday snuggle. I laid in your bed with you just holding on to you and never wanting to let you go. Knowing that we were another year older and hoping that I would have so many more of those moments with you. Little did I know that after that one I would never have another birthday snuggle. Of course along with those birthday snuggles came the “I love you so much mommy…I love you more shortie…no mommy I love you more…no Alyssa I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity…no mommy I love you more than all the grains of sand on the beaches and in the oceans times infinity” That is where it would end and I would give you a kiss on your little forehead and you would fall asleep. I would fall asleep with you and that day I did. I loved the feeling of being close to you.  After all that we had been through that year it was so peaceful to just lay there no monitors beeping, no nursing staff coming in and checking your vitals at all hours of the night, no lights on outside the door to your room aside from a nightlight down the hall, no noise or commotion…just you and I laying there in your bed, me feeling your little heart beat up against my chest running my hand over your little head and through your hair. I held you as tight as I could without hurting you and I never wanted to let you go. There is some sense of peace found in holding your baby that is indescribable. Those moments with you will be forever etched in my mind, that feeling of your head on my chest and the feeling of your hair as I ran my fingers through it. The feeling of spending my birthday with the most special person in my world. My wish that year was to have you home, to be able to do our usual traditions, to spend time with my shortie. My wish this year is to have those moments once again the difference between this year and that year is that I know it it not possible for my wish to come true. No matter how hard I push or try that wish will never come true. I know you would tell me mommy you aren’t supposed to tell your wish because it will never come true. Well my little peanut that wish I know will not come true until we are reunited and I know my job here is not finished so it will be quite a long time before that wish is granted. I do look forward to that day though…but the only thing I wish for on that day is that I can just hold you and never let you go. 

The only thing I have left to say to you my little peanut is this…thank you for every moment I got to spend with you, for every hug, kiss and I love you mommy, thank you for making me realize what an awesome responsibility it is to be a mommy and what an honor it is as well. Thank you for choosing me…and thank you for showing me the world through your eyes…thank you for being mine…thank you for always giving me a sign you are with me. My life is complete because you were mine. My life is complete because I have the most special little girl in my life. 

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity and I always will. 

Love always,

Mommy

So this is what 40 looks like! :P

Second Week Senior Year...

Dear Alyssa,

It is hard to believe that my little peanut would be in her second week of her senior year...we would be doing senior pictures, picking your class ring, figuring out what you would be doing for college next year, finding a senior prom dress and shoes, getting your cap and gown, preparing for your huge luau after your graduation, finding that first boyfriend who would be the love of your life I am sure, learning so many new things...I can't believe you would have a senior and instead of doing all these fun things with you I am just dreaming about who and what you would be. What awesome personality you would have? Would you be involved in every portion of high school life? Would you be popular or the shy kid? Would you still enjoy spending time with your old mom or would you only spend time with me just as little as possible? I keep envisioning you as a 17-year-old...your long red hair...your beautiful smile and laugh...probably as tall as me maybe a little shorter...your kind and loving heart...your involvement with all your sisters and brothers in the fight standing next to you. I stand by and watch all the keiki that you grew up with seeing them and the things they do. I wonder if you would be dancing hula like a pro now. It makes me smile thinking about what you would be like but it also makes me sad for the things you never got to experience and for the things I never got to watch you experience as your mom. There are so many things I wish for but on the other side, I am very thankful for the things I got to experience with you that most parents take for granted. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I am so in awe of all the things that you endured in such a short amount and at such a young age. I know you aren't in pain anymoreand you are able to be around everyone that you love but I honestly miss being a mommy to you and watching you grow up and become a beautiful woman. Thank you for being my baby!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,

Mommy

Finding a new normal...

Dear Alyssa,

So I have been asked this a lot...how do you do it? How do you go on? I had never really had an answer or really thought about how I should answer, but lately, it has been on my mind a lot...why don't I have an answer to that question...is there an answer to that question...and do I really want to know the answer. I keep thinking that maybe knowing the answer to that question might break the control that I think I have on my life or make me fall into some strange pit that I will have to pull myself out of. The more I think about the question though the more I think I have come up with an answer that may explain it to others in a way that they don't have to step into my shoes in order to understand. My situation is unique because no one expects the horrors of childhood cancer or the things that your family will have to endure if your child passes away. But thinking of how most people look at life (I think) everyone has to find a new normal more than you would think, starting at birth you find a new normal starting with things like learning to talk, to walk, to sit up, to eat all by yourself...then as you get older you have to find a new normal when you start school and have to leave your parents for the first time, you have to find a new normal when you get your drivers license, go off to college, move into your first apartment, get your first job, go off to the military,  get married, have babies...each time you reach a milestone in your life be it small or large, good or bad, forced or planned you have to find a new normal. With every new normal comes a new set of things you have to learn and experience. Although a road with childhood cancer is not an easy one there was a new normal that came with it as well...learning the many names of chemotherapies, learning about radiation and how it works, learning the different types of childhood cancer because inevitably you are going to meet all kinds of wonderful people who are in this new normal with you, you learn how to tell a child of the horrors that they have to endure in order to be "healthy" again and away from this monster and teach them that this new normal is going to change how life is lived. This new normal teaches you humility, it teaches you thankfulness, it teaches you love, it teaches you not to take a moment for granted, it teaches you to cherish every little detail. It teaches you to find what you know and hold onto it, this new normal forges new bonds and strengthens old bonds or it sometimes even severs them...this new normal becomes your new way of life...learning that there is not enough funding for our children to get them all healthy again...this new normal is cruel...it takes you from a loving "normal" family to a family struggling to survive...this new normal brings about fear, it brings hope, it brings a family together or it can break a family apart...it takes everything you thought you knew and pushes it right out the door. Learning to deal with this new normal is not easy..learning to put faith, hope, trust, the life of your child in the hands of others is a part of this new normal and definitely not an easy part of the new normal. Then for some of us that journey continues and the new normal includes the after-effects of the chemotherapy and radiation that their child had to endure. For others the path is worse...the new normal that is faced is losing your child...finding another new normal where all of the things that you have learned in any previous normals are no longer relevant...in this new normal you have to reinvent yourself...find out who you are again...find out who your partner is...find out how to honor your baby that was taken from you...in this new normal you have to endure bad days and good days...in this new normal there are no easy answers, there is no path to follow you have to forge this new normal with no guide and learn to find peace in your new normal...finding this new normal takes a long time it is something that can't be measured in moments, hours, years, even a lifetime...because in this new normal the little life that you brought into the world is no longer here for you to see them become an adult...it is not something that is normal or wanted but it is thrust upon you and either you find your new normal or your new normal runs you over like a steamroller....

Remember the next time that you talk to a family that has lost a child don't tell them their child is in a better place...don't tell them well that was years ago aren't you over that yet?...Don't try to give them advice...let them talk to you and you talk to them about their child they truly want to know that you remember their child that they made an impact on your life...

A grieving parent will always be a grieving parent one who is living with the loss of their child coping each day to live on and make a difference, to find their new normal...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity Alyssa!! 

Love always,

Mommy

Changes

Dear Alyssa,

In life everything must change for without change there would be no butterflies. I know I read that somewhere....I just don't remember where. My life over the last year and a half has changed a lot. Changed from something that I recognize to something that is very foreign to me. I thought a year ago that I had things figured out that I was dealing with losing you. Do you know it devastated me to lose you? It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with...most all of the things on my list of things that have overwhelmed me have happened since I lost you. It feels like I am in it alone...sinking to the bottom of whatever void I am swimming in...I feel like I am going to drown and then someone reaches a hand out and tries to save me...then in an instant that hand is gone and I am sinking again...then it happens again...there is another hand as a lifeline only to be yanked from me again...it keeps happening over and over again. What am I supposed to do? Is this what grief is? A series of hands reaching out to help me and then they are pulled away? I thought that I had a partner in all of this someone who would always understand where I was, what I needed, the pain I feel. I was wrong. We made a commitment to one another and that commitment has been severed. A few signatures and the life that had been created...gone. The home that had been erected...stolen. The memories...incinerated and left in the dust. How can one choice by another person shatter all of your hopes and dreams for the future? How can one person's selfish nature rob another of the hopes and dreams they had for the future? How can one person who built a life with someone just walk away? 

I would like to say it is as easy as hating that person for all they have done to me in the past. That I would change that one decision that I made to spend my life with that person, however, I know there is nothing that I would change about making that decision because without that decision there would never have been you. You are the one reason that any of the things that have happened in the last year and a half has been bearable, you are the only reason I have continued on. In spite of all that has gone on there is one thing I always wonder, "would Alyssa be proud of her mommy?" So shortie are you proud of your mommy?

Change...something we all experience in life...something that even though we may not be prepared for we embrace or allow to overtake us. I have chosen to embrace change...I have embraced being myself again, I embraced taking back control of my life again, and I am attempting to embrace being alone again...as I look back on the last year and a half I know that I am in a place where strength is a necessity, where although I have no idea where the future will take me I know that you will follow or maybe you are leading. I know that no matter how much I leave behind that I will gain a lot too. You are my reason...you are my strength...you are my weakness...you are always and forever my little love...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!❤️

Love always,

Mommy

Thinking of you...

You changed me.

You changed who I am.

You changed who I will be.

I am forever changed because of you.

You've taught me that love has no boundaries.

You've taught me that there is more to life than what I know.

You've taught me to really truly count my blessings.

You've taught me the strength of a bond between mother and child.

Life is unpredictable 

Life is about the love you share, and the people that you share it with.

Life isn't easy and there is pain beyond measure. 

But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.

I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others

The way you have forever changed me.

~ Author Unknown

Dear Alyssa,

It has been way too long since I have written to you but today when I saw this I thought of you. I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!! I miss you so much!!!

Thank you shortie for visiting me this morning!!!

Love always,

Mommy

Rough days....

Dear Alyssa,

As you know rough days come and go...they come along and take you by surprise...they eat you up and spit you out...they are those days where you don't want to get out of bed, the days where you get up out of bed and sometimes wonder if you should have gotten out of bed at all...I hate those days, the ones that sneak up on you and grab a hold pulling you into some sort of vortex that you can't seem to pull out of...then in that moment when I think things could get worse I see your little face out of the corner of my eye, or hear your little voice in the breezes telling me mommy you can make it through today...you can make it through this...thinking of you!

Every time that life throws in a curve ball it always sends me spinning...it makes me wonder if I can make it through any more...and I wonder if I have made it through...I wonder if my number keeps being called because I am brave or I am just too stupid to turn away and say no more...then I think of you.

I look up at the clouds...remember like we used to when we wanted to be transported somewhere else...I see little pictures in the clouds...I see you your creativity...I hear your laughter...I feel your hand in mine...I see your little hand flying up....and your little voice asking mommy do you see it...are you here with me...thinking of you!

Today was a rough day...I got a glimpse of what it must have felt like for our families not being able to be here and feeling helpless...do you know how helpless I feel right now...do you know how badly I wish I could fix it all...make life better for everyone...find that peace...is there peace...is there a cure...always thinking of you! 

I love you peanut, shortie, bratnose...miss our little chats...do you hear it when I talk to you...do you know you never leave my thoughts...do you know that you are forever mine..that you are my sunshine...thinking of you!

Rough days will come and go...I know that you are always near...cheering me on telling me that it isn't so bad, even though in the moment it feels horrible...you are truly brave!!!

...THINKING OF YOU!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!!

Love always,

Mommy

#curechildhoodcancer #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth #kidsgetcancertoo

8 years

Dear Alyssa,

Seems like an eternity since I last held you in my arms, saw your sweet face, hugged you or told you in person I love you. It is hard to be without you...

Although I have been told "at least it has only been 8 years....at least she is in a better place....at least you had 7 years with her."  Well I hate to tell you but 8 years is way too long!!! What better place could you be than with your mommy and daddy who love you!!! 7 years was not long enough,  I want to ask them why don't you try only having your baby for 7 years. 

8 years it has been since I saw your sweet face...I miss you so much! Some people don't know how lucky they are to be able to watch their babies grow up and take on the world. I wish I could see you take on the world...I could see it my beautiful little girl taking on the world and winning making a difference. You would be one of these kids making research for childhood cancer a priority! I miss your spunk and attitude taken too soon from this world.

I love you my spunky little red-headed purple angel! I will love you forever and always! I love and miss you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always, 

Mommy!

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I have tried!

I miss your sweet face, I miss your sweet smile, I miss your wonderful laugh, I miss our snuggle time, I miss watching you grow up, I miss watching you learn, I miss listening to your stories about your day, I miss watching you sing and dance, I miss your hugs and kisses, I miss you telling me I love you Mommy, I miss cooking and baking with you, I miss our mommy daughter days, I miss our outings......

I JUST REALLY MISS YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU Alyssa Bailey Miller!!! More than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! I will see you soon and always in my dreams!!!!

#anotheryearwithoutalyssa

#gonetosoon

#curechildhoodcancer 

Lost...

Have you ever felt lost...like you are the only one in a journey even though you are surrounded by people? Have you ever felt like there was no happiness there was no way out? I have had many days like this over the years. I know that I am never alone that I am always a phone call away from friends or family that want to help. But do they really understand? Do they understand the pain of waking up every morning knowing that your smiling face will not be there to greet the day.  Do they understand when I have that distant look in my eyes and they ask "are you okay?" when my answer is "I'm fine"  I am not really fine.

When I reach that time when all I really want or need is a hug...maybe that will make me feel better! Even if only for a minute!!!

Or had that moment when you are jealous of the mother and her child walking through the store together...looking at all the stuff in the store and having fun!!! 

There is nothing like being lost...it is like a rainbow without color, or a flower without a beautiful fragrance, or love without anyone to share it with, or a mother with out a child...

So until I can see you again I am going to hug you in my dreams!

And Celebrate the things I do have!!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! And miss you so much!!! I hope that I find what I have lost and remember the things that will carry me on until we see each other again!!!  I will see you soon my angel!!!

Love always,

Mommy

The Brave Little Soul

The Brave Little Soul

By John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?' God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad for the suffering you see unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed.  I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone.  They are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity." Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go into the world and suffer so I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these soul are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, " Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. ~

10 years

DEAR ALYSSA~

10 years ago...February 21, 2004...our lives changed...the words came, never wanted, never needed, never thought that it could happen to us...we were thrust into a world where nothing makes sense...it all changed when the words "Alyssa has cancer" were said...before those words we were not cancer parents...we were not experts in Alyssa's type of cancer...we were not nurse, caregiver, over tired, overwhelmed, crazy (ok maybe we were)...over night we became cancer parents, educated in Wilm's Tumor, the proper way to flush a Hickman catheter, the names of types of chemo and what their side effects were and the best way to break this horrible news to your five year old. NEWS FLASH...there is no proper way to tell your five year

old that she has cancer and the medicines that she has to be given to get rid of it is going to make it so she can't be normal and go to school like all the other 5 year olds, she is going to lose her beautiful red hair to this horrible treatment, that the medicines are going to make her sick in order to make her better, that she is going to spend a lot of time in the hospital...but through it all that little beautiful 5 year old red head becomes so strong, continues on when it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, and only wants to be able to go and play...before all of that we were just a normal family who did normal every day things.

Life for us will never be the same and will never be normal again..I could be bitter, hateful, mean, pissed off...but instead I am thankful for the memories that I was able to experience because of all that we went through, for the many friends that we made, for finding out who my true friends and family are, to have so many surround us with love, affection, and encouragement. I am also thankful for you, for the time that I was able to spend with you be it carrying on a conversation about the latest episode of Spongebob or what your favorite toy or music was or talking to you while you slept, sitting watching tv or painting your nails, reading books to you while you were in a medically induced coma. I am thankful for the opportunity to watch you make those around you smile even though your little body was going through hell, watching you be a caring, sweet, loving, charismatic person and knowing that I had a hand in making you the person you were. I love knowing how much you loved your doggies, your classmates (when you were able to go to school for the first time), your mommy, your daddy, your friends, all of your cousins, aunties and uncles. I love knowing that not only was I there when you came into this world but I was also there when you left it, I love knowing that beautiful giggle that I still hear when I look at a picture of you laughing, I love that I was able to watch you learn, that I was there for you every time you fell down and able to help you up dust you off and sooth away the tears. I love that I was there to watch you crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, watch you discover your bathroom had been painted in butterflies and experience the excitement that you expressed, I love that I was there to watch you see your purple carpet in your room for the first time and I love that I was there with you to make sure that you received the best care possible, I love that I was able to spend everyday with you making sure you were never alone. I love that you always loved snuggling with your

daddy and I love that when you weren't feeling good the only person you wanted was mommy. I love that you enjoyed baking cookies with mommy and working on computers and on cars with daddy. I love that you would get so involved with helping your daddy you would pull out your tools and dive right in, I love that for you there was no distinction between mommy chores and daddy chores and that you just dove in and helped out. I love your imagination, watching you play with your babies or barbies,  I love that I was there to watch you snuggle with your daddy or have you crawl in our bed on a Saturday morning just so that you could snuggle with

both of us. I loved watching you sing Karaoke or just sing to the radio in your room. I loved watching you dance along to the music, you had such a great rhythm, I loved watching you dance because you never cared who was watching you and would dance regardless of what music was playing, I love that you loved Elvis' music! I love that you had a passion for purses and organizing them, I love that you had such a knack for putting your toys away and playing with your doggies! I love that all animals loved you and that you had such a want to save them all. But most of all I love that I was able to be your mommy!!!

I am always asked why are you so strong? Where did you find the strength to make it through all that you made it through with your daughter? But the answer is always very simple!!! The answer is you!!  My sweet little Alyssa you have always been my strength!!! Without you or the support of your daddy I don't believe we would have made it through. You are incredible and I am just glad I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!! Now though I have the hardest job of all the job of being a mommy without her baby to mother!

My hope is that one day soon we will have a cure for cancer and that no more children will be taken from us because of cancer.

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!  And miss you so very much!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

Hug your children a little tighter!!! Make the time to spend with them!!! Make them feel special!!!! And above all make sure they know how much you love them!!!

Night

Dear Alyssa,

What is it with night time. Some nights are okay I can fall asleep without any trouble. Other nights I lay down in bed wide awake for hours, waiting for sleep to come.  Some nights when sleep comes I have a dreamless sleep and other nights I have horrible dreams, dreams that relive some of the worst days and moments any mother could ever experience. Then there are the wonderful nights where the dreams are fantastic, they include you.  You are happy,  healthy and showing me something new or showing me something beautiful. I love those nights...those are the nights that show me that you and I are connected,  you are still a part of my everyday, my every moment. It is just as precious to me as the moments that I was able to share with you in your all too brief time here in our arms. If I were to ask you for anything it would be to have more of those nights where I have dreams of you happy, healthy and showing me something new or even the same things just so long as the dreams are good and with you in them. I miss u so much and I love you more than all of the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity. I will see you in my dreams angel.
Love always,
Mommy

One of Alyssa's Favorite books!

I posted this a few years ago on my Facebook page and thought that I would share it here!!! Everyone should like themselves!!!

Cleaning Alyssa's bookshelf...

So today I was cleaning and I was dusting off all of the books that were Alyssa's and I came across the one that we read when she lost her hair and I thought that I would share what it says with all of you!  Because I think that everyone should like themselves!!!!

The title of the book is " I like MYSELF!" By Karen Beaumont

The book goes like this...

I LIKE MYSELF!

 I'm glad I'm me. There's no one else I'd rather be.

I like my eyes, my ears, my nose. I like my fingers and my toes.

I like me wild. I like me tame. I like me different and the same

.
I like me fast. I like me slow. I like me everywhere I go.

I like me on the inside, too, for all I think and say and do.

Inside, outside, upside down, from head to toe and all around, I like it all! It all is me! And me is all I want to be.

And I don't care in anyway what someone else may think or say.

I may be called a silly nut or crazy cuckoo bird - so what? I'm having too much fun, you see, for anything to bother me!

Even when I look a mess, I still don't like me any less, 'cause nothing in this world, you know, can change what's deep inside, and so...

No matter if they stop and stare,

no person

ever

anywhere

can make me feel that what they see is all there really is to me.

I'd STILL like me with fleas or warts, or with a silly snout that snorts,

or knobby knees or hippo hips or purple polka-dotted lips,

or beaver breath or stinky toes or horns protruding from my nose,

or - yikes! - with spikes all down my spine, or hair that's like a porcupine.  I would be the same, you see...

I like myself because I'm ME!!!"

I hope you all enjoy it!!!!

Happy Birthday Alyssa!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Happy Birthday Dear Alyssa!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Dear Alyssa,

Wow you would have been 15 years old today. It is hard to believe it seems like just yesterday you were placed in my arms for the first time. Looking down into that sweet little face. I knew then that I had never felt a love like that and it made me love your daddy even more.

This day always hits me hard.  I miss our little traditions in celebration of your birthday!!! But the memories flood back to me! I am thankful for the memories that we created together and thankful that Although I only got to celebrate 7 years with you that I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!!!

In honor of your birthday I put together just a few of the memories and a little bit of our tradition!!!  Geez I wish I would have taken more pictures!!!

In order to celebrate we just need a few things!!!!

We need to call all your friends

Bake a cake

And don't forget the icing!!!

Put on your party dress!!

And your make up!!!

What is a party without presents?!?!

Need lots of EXCITEMENT!!!

And plenty of cake!!!

Maybe just a little more cake!!!

Time to Open the presents!!!

Blow out the candles!!!

Eat a little cake with friends!!!

And of course CELEBRATE YOU!!!!

Happy Birthday Purple Princess Angel Alyssa!!!  I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! And I miss you just as much!!!!

Happy Birthday from the Earth to the Heavens!!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!