10 years

Dear Alyssa,

I cannot believe it has been 10 years since that horrible morning. I start thinking about it and know it was the most horrible morning of my life, but I also know that it was the last morning that I held your little hand, kissed your little face, held you in my arms. I know that I will never do that again. I know that I will never feel your breath against my cheek or your butterfly kisses. I know that I will never hear you say, "Mommy, I love you." That morning began a part of my life that I never thought that I would ever have to endure, but I am now in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to do. That morning changed so much for me. How do you know ho to be a mommy to your baby when she isn't even here anymore? How do you go on living when all you want to do is curl up and die? How do you continue to live on when your child's life has been cut short by cancer? This is the prison that I have been sentenced to. This is the burden that I must bear. I have to go on with the thought inside my head as every holiday passes it has been blah, blah, blah years since I lost you, and it is so many more than I was able to share with you or that you were able to celebrate. My birthday was just a few days ago...do you realize it was 33 more than you were able to celebrate? It makes me sad that you will be forever 7. Why do I feel like I am being punished? Like I am the worst mommy ever?

I can't say that I am not blessed because I have a view on life that most people do not have until they are much older than me. I have been given a gift. The gift of time and knowledge. I have been given the gift of knowing that the next moment or day is not promised, and that I need to make the most of the moments that I have. I have been blessed with knowing you and being the only one to hold such special memories close to my heart. I am also blessed because I was chosen to be your mommy. I cannot think of a better job or responsibility. I was given 7 years, 7 months, 28 days, 4 hours and 7 minutes with you. We made the most of those years, months, days, hours and minutes. Some days it is hard to remember that you are gone. Some days I sit and wonder what would it be like to talk to you and hear you talk back. I know I must seem like a crazy person because every time I see one of your butterflies flitting around I say, "Hi, and I love you Peanut." For some reason, it makes me feel better. Like you are still here with me and some days it makes me feel very alone. I guess that is just the feeling that is supposed to come when you lose a child. 

The other thing that always pops into my head with your anniversary is the day I first held you in my arms. I will never forget that moment looking down at your beautiful little pink face and head full of red hair. You were so peaceful laying there in my arms. You looked like an angel. I had the same feeling that I had on the day that I lost you that I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to be your world. I wanted nothing to come between your dreams and you. I wanted to protect you from any kind of hurt. I knew though that I would eventually have to let you go and experience the world, but at the same time I knew that was going to be the hardest thing that I would ever have to do. On the day that you were born everything was right with the world. I had this beautiful little blessing that I had nurtured, loved and carried for nine months. When I finally got to meet you and hold you in my arms I knew I would watch you become a woman some day and see you holding your baby in your arms. Then when the day came that I had to let you go I did not want to. I wanted to hold you until my arms could not anymore and even then I wanted to push myself to hold you because I knew that when I finally let you go I would never hold you again. I wanted to kiss you and remember the way you felt. I wanted to memorize the features of your face and the feeling of your skin. I wanted to hear your sassy little voice tell me that you had run out of kisses and hugs until the kiss and hug fairy came. I wanted to see you shake your finger at me and tell me "you know Mommy. I was only joking." You know though in those hours that I sat there and held you all I kept thinking was how you still looked like an angel to me. How I never wanted to let you go. I still wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I still wanted to give you the world. I still wanted to be your world. I still wanted to give you all of your dreams and protect you from hurt. I knew that the moment I laid you down and kissed you on the forehead one last time, it would be the last time in my life that I would be able to touch you. I knew that it was the last time I would be the world to anyone and it would be the last time I would be needed completely and totally by anyone. That day taught me something. It taught me that no matter who comes and goes in your life the one precious gift that you are given is the love of a child. It is the purest kind of love, there are not conditions, there are no moments of distrust. A child loves you unconditionally because they know no other way. That beautiful little soul that you brought into this world is pure. You are my one unconditional love my little peanut.

So on this day that marks 10 years of being an angel. I hope that you know I am jealous of those that have joined you. I hope you know that I am blessed with the memories of you. I hope that you know how much I love you. Who knew that the love of a mother can stretch across time and space into the spiritual world? I hope you know that I think of you daily. I hope that you know I see your little reminders. And I hope you know that I still look at the sunset each day the same way. 

Happy Angel Birthday Alyssa! Fly high my little butterfly!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always,
Mommy

 

10 years

DEAR ALYSSA~

10 years ago...February 21, 2004...our lives changed...the words came, never wanted, never needed, never thought that it could happen to us...we were thrust into a world where nothing makes sense...it all changed when the words "Alyssa has cancer" were said...before those words we were not cancer parents...we were not experts in Alyssa's type of cancer...we were not nurse, caregiver, over tired, overwhelmed, crazy (ok maybe we were)...over night we became cancer parents, educated in Wilm's Tumor, the proper way to flush a Hickman catheter, the names of types of chemo and what their side effects were and the best way to break this horrible news to your five year old. NEWS FLASH...there is no proper way to tell your five year

old that she has cancer and the medicines that she has to be given to get rid of it is going to make it so she can't be normal and go to school like all the other 5 year olds, she is going to lose her beautiful red hair to this horrible treatment, that the medicines are going to make her sick in order to make her better, that she is going to spend a lot of time in the hospital...but through it all that little beautiful 5 year old red head becomes so strong, continues on when it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, and only wants to be able to go and play...before all of that we were just a normal family who did normal every day things.

Life for us will never be the same and will never be normal again..I could be bitter, hateful, mean, pissed off...but instead I am thankful for the memories that I was able to experience because of all that we went through, for the many friends that we made, for finding out who my true friends and family are, to have so many surround us with love, affection, and encouragement. I am also thankful for you, for the time that I was able to spend with you be it carrying on a conversation about the latest episode of Spongebob or what your favorite toy or music was or talking to you while you slept, sitting watching tv or painting your nails, reading books to you while you were in a medically induced coma. I am thankful for the opportunity to watch you make those around you smile even though your little body was going through hell, watching you be a caring, sweet, loving, charismatic person and knowing that I had a hand in making you the person you were. I love knowing how much you loved your doggies, your classmates (when you were able to go to school for the first time), your mommy, your daddy, your friends, all of your cousins, aunties and uncles. I love knowing that not only was I there when you came into this world but I was also there when you left it, I love knowing that beautiful giggle that I still hear when I look at a picture of you laughing, I love that I was able to watch you learn, that I was there for you every time you fell down and able to help you up dust you off and sooth away the tears. I love that I was there to watch you crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, watch you discover your bathroom had been painted in butterflies and experience the excitement that you expressed, I love that I was there to watch you see your purple carpet in your room for the first time and I love that I was there with you to make sure that you received the best care possible, I love that I was able to spend everyday with you making sure you were never alone. I love that you always loved snuggling with your

daddy and I love that when you weren't feeling good the only person you wanted was mommy. I love that you enjoyed baking cookies with mommy and working on computers and on cars with daddy. I love that you would get so involved with helping your daddy you would pull out your tools and dive right in, I love that for you there was no distinction between mommy chores and daddy chores and that you just dove in and helped out. I love your imagination, watching you play with your babies or barbies,  I love that I was there to watch you snuggle with your daddy or have you crawl in our bed on a Saturday morning just so that you could snuggle with

both of us. I loved watching you sing Karaoke or just sing to the radio in your room. I loved watching you dance along to the music, you had such a great rhythm, I loved watching you dance because you never cared who was watching you and would dance regardless of what music was playing, I love that you loved Elvis' music! I love that you had a passion for purses and organizing them, I love that you had such a knack for putting your toys away and playing with your doggies! I love that all animals loved you and that you had such a want to save them all. But most of all I love that I was able to be your mommy!!!

I am always asked why are you so strong? Where did you find the strength to make it through all that you made it through with your daughter? But the answer is always very simple!!! The answer is you!!  My sweet little Alyssa you have always been my strength!!! Without you or the support of your daddy I don't believe we would have made it through. You are incredible and I am just glad I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!! Now though I have the hardest job of all the job of being a mommy without her baby to mother!

My hope is that one day soon we will have a cure for cancer and that no more children will be taken from us because of cancer.

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!  And miss you so very much!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

Hug your children a little tighter!!! Make the time to spend with them!!! Make them feel special!!!! And above all make sure they know how much you love them!!!