10 years

DEAR ALYSSA~

10 years ago...February 21, 2004...our lives changed...the words came, never wanted, never needed, never thought that it could happen to us...we were thrust into a world where nothing makes sense...it all changed when the words "Alyssa has cancer" were said...before those words we were not cancer parents...we were not experts in Alyssa's type of cancer...we were not nurse, caregiver, over tired, overwhelmed, crazy (ok maybe we were)...over night we became cancer parents, educated in Wilm's Tumor, the proper way to flush a Hickman catheter, the names of types of chemo and what their side effects were and the best way to break this horrible news to your five year old. NEWS FLASH...there is no proper way to tell your five year

old that she has cancer and the medicines that she has to be given to get rid of it is going to make it so she can't be normal and go to school like all the other 5 year olds, she is going to lose her beautiful red hair to this horrible treatment, that the medicines are going to make her sick in order to make her better, that she is going to spend a lot of time in the hospital...but through it all that little beautiful 5 year old red head becomes so strong, continues on when it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, and only wants to be able to go and play...before all of that we were just a normal family who did normal every day things.

Life for us will never be the same and will never be normal again..I could be bitter, hateful, mean, pissed off...but instead I am thankful for the memories that I was able to experience because of all that we went through, for the many friends that we made, for finding out who my true friends and family are, to have so many surround us with love, affection, and encouragement. I am also thankful for you, for the time that I was able to spend with you be it carrying on a conversation about the latest episode of Spongebob or what your favorite toy or music was or talking to you while you slept, sitting watching tv or painting your nails, reading books to you while you were in a medically induced coma. I am thankful for the opportunity to watch you make those around you smile even though your little body was going through hell, watching you be a caring, sweet, loving, charismatic person and knowing that I had a hand in making you the person you were. I love knowing how much you loved your doggies, your classmates (when you were able to go to school for the first time), your mommy, your daddy, your friends, all of your cousins, aunties and uncles. I love knowing that not only was I there when you came into this world but I was also there when you left it, I love knowing that beautiful giggle that I still hear when I look at a picture of you laughing, I love that I was able to watch you learn, that I was there for you every time you fell down and able to help you up dust you off and sooth away the tears. I love that I was there to watch you crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, watch you discover your bathroom had been painted in butterflies and experience the excitement that you expressed, I love that I was there to watch you see your purple carpet in your room for the first time and I love that I was there with you to make sure that you received the best care possible, I love that I was able to spend everyday with you making sure you were never alone. I love that you always loved snuggling with your

daddy and I love that when you weren't feeling good the only person you wanted was mommy. I love that you enjoyed baking cookies with mommy and working on computers and on cars with daddy. I love that you would get so involved with helping your daddy you would pull out your tools and dive right in, I love that for you there was no distinction between mommy chores and daddy chores and that you just dove in and helped out. I love your imagination, watching you play with your babies or barbies,  I love that I was there to watch you snuggle with your daddy or have you crawl in our bed on a Saturday morning just so that you could snuggle with

both of us. I loved watching you sing Karaoke or just sing to the radio in your room. I loved watching you dance along to the music, you had such a great rhythm, I loved watching you dance because you never cared who was watching you and would dance regardless of what music was playing, I love that you loved Elvis' music! I love that you had a passion for purses and organizing them, I love that you had such a knack for putting your toys away and playing with your doggies! I love that all animals loved you and that you had such a want to save them all. But most of all I love that I was able to be your mommy!!!

I am always asked why are you so strong? Where did you find the strength to make it through all that you made it through with your daughter? But the answer is always very simple!!! The answer is you!!  My sweet little Alyssa you have always been my strength!!! Without you or the support of your daddy I don't believe we would have made it through. You are incredible and I am just glad I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!! Now though I have the hardest job of all the job of being a mommy without her baby to mother!

My hope is that one day soon we will have a cure for cancer and that no more children will be taken from us because of cancer.

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!  And miss you so very much!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

Hug your children a little tighter!!! Make the time to spend with them!!! Make them feel special!!!! And above all make sure they know how much you love them!!!