10 years

Dear Alyssa,

I cannot believe it has been 10 years since that horrible morning. I start thinking about it and know it was the most horrible morning of my life, but I also know that it was the last morning that I held your little hand, kissed your little face, held you in my arms. I know that I will never do that again. I know that I will never feel your breath against my cheek or your butterfly kisses. I know that I will never hear you say, "Mommy, I love you." That morning began a part of my life that I never thought that I would ever have to endure, but I am now in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to do. That morning changed so much for me. How do you know ho to be a mommy to your baby when she isn't even here anymore? How do you go on living when all you want to do is curl up and die? How do you continue to live on when your child's life has been cut short by cancer? This is the prison that I have been sentenced to. This is the burden that I must bear. I have to go on with the thought inside my head as every holiday passes it has been blah, blah, blah years since I lost you, and it is so many more than I was able to share with you or that you were able to celebrate. My birthday was just a few days ago...do you realize it was 33 more than you were able to celebrate? It makes me sad that you will be forever 7. Why do I feel like I am being punished? Like I am the worst mommy ever?

I can't say that I am not blessed because I have a view on life that most people do not have until they are much older than me. I have been given a gift. The gift of time and knowledge. I have been given the gift of knowing that the next moment or day is not promised, and that I need to make the most of the moments that I have. I have been blessed with knowing you and being the only one to hold such special memories close to my heart. I am also blessed because I was chosen to be your mommy. I cannot think of a better job or responsibility. I was given 7 years, 7 months, 28 days, 4 hours and 7 minutes with you. We made the most of those years, months, days, hours and minutes. Some days it is hard to remember that you are gone. Some days I sit and wonder what would it be like to talk to you and hear you talk back. I know I must seem like a crazy person because every time I see one of your butterflies flitting around I say, "Hi, and I love you Peanut." For some reason, it makes me feel better. Like you are still here with me and some days it makes me feel very alone. I guess that is just the feeling that is supposed to come when you lose a child. 

The other thing that always pops into my head with your anniversary is the day I first held you in my arms. I will never forget that moment looking down at your beautiful little pink face and head full of red hair. You were so peaceful laying there in my arms. You looked like an angel. I had the same feeling that I had on the day that I lost you that I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to be your world. I wanted nothing to come between your dreams and you. I wanted to protect you from any kind of hurt. I knew though that I would eventually have to let you go and experience the world, but at the same time I knew that was going to be the hardest thing that I would ever have to do. On the day that you were born everything was right with the world. I had this beautiful little blessing that I had nurtured, loved and carried for nine months. When I finally got to meet you and hold you in my arms I knew I would watch you become a woman some day and see you holding your baby in your arms. Then when the day came that I had to let you go I did not want to. I wanted to hold you until my arms could not anymore and even then I wanted to push myself to hold you because I knew that when I finally let you go I would never hold you again. I wanted to kiss you and remember the way you felt. I wanted to memorize the features of your face and the feeling of your skin. I wanted to hear your sassy little voice tell me that you had run out of kisses and hugs until the kiss and hug fairy came. I wanted to see you shake your finger at me and tell me "you know Mommy. I was only joking." You know though in those hours that I sat there and held you all I kept thinking was how you still looked like an angel to me. How I never wanted to let you go. I still wanted to hold you and love you for every moment of my life. I still wanted to give you the world. I still wanted to be your world. I still wanted to give you all of your dreams and protect you from hurt. I knew that the moment I laid you down and kissed you on the forehead one last time, it would be the last time in my life that I would be able to touch you. I knew that it was the last time I would be the world to anyone and it would be the last time I would be needed completely and totally by anyone. That day taught me something. It taught me that no matter who comes and goes in your life the one precious gift that you are given is the love of a child. It is the purest kind of love, there are not conditions, there are no moments of distrust. A child loves you unconditionally because they know no other way. That beautiful little soul that you brought into this world is pure. You are my one unconditional love my little peanut.

So on this day that marks 10 years of being an angel. I hope that you know I am jealous of those that have joined you. I hope you know that I am blessed with the memories of you. I hope that you know how much I love you. Who knew that the love of a mother can stretch across time and space into the spiritual world? I hope you know that I think of you daily. I hope that you know I see your little reminders. And I hope you know that I still look at the sunset each day the same way. 

Happy Angel Birthday Alyssa! Fly high my little butterfly!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always,
Mommy

 

Second Week Senior Year...

Dear Alyssa,

It is hard to believe that my little peanut would be in her second week of her senior year...we would be doing senior pictures, picking your class ring, figuring out what you would be doing for college next year, finding a senior prom dress and shoes, getting your cap and gown, preparing for your huge luau after your graduation, finding that first boyfriend who would be the love of your life I am sure, learning so many new things...I can't believe you would have a senior and instead of doing all these fun things with you I am just dreaming about who and what you would be. What awesome personality you would have? Would you be involved in every portion of high school life? Would you be popular or the shy kid? Would you still enjoy spending time with your old mom or would you only spend time with me just as little as possible? I keep envisioning you as a 17-year-old...your long red hair...your beautiful smile and laugh...probably as tall as me maybe a little shorter...your kind and loving heart...your involvement with all your sisters and brothers in the fight standing next to you. I stand by and watch all the keiki that you grew up with seeing them and the things they do. I wonder if you would be dancing hula like a pro now. It makes me smile thinking about what you would be like but it also makes me sad for the things you never got to experience and for the things I never got to watch you experience as your mom. There are so many things I wish for but on the other side, I am very thankful for the things I got to experience with you that most parents take for granted. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I am so in awe of all the things that you endured in such a short amount and at such a young age. I know you aren't in pain anymoreand you are able to be around everyone that you love but I honestly miss being a mommy to you and watching you grow up and become a beautiful woman. Thank you for being my baby!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,

Mommy

Finding a new normal...

Dear Alyssa,

So I have been asked this a lot...how do you do it? How do you go on? I had never really had an answer or really thought about how I should answer, but lately, it has been on my mind a lot...why don't I have an answer to that question...is there an answer to that question...and do I really want to know the answer. I keep thinking that maybe knowing the answer to that question might break the control that I think I have on my life or make me fall into some strange pit that I will have to pull myself out of. The more I think about the question though the more I think I have come up with an answer that may explain it to others in a way that they don't have to step into my shoes in order to understand. My situation is unique because no one expects the horrors of childhood cancer or the things that your family will have to endure if your child passes away. But thinking of how most people look at life (I think) everyone has to find a new normal more than you would think, starting at birth you find a new normal starting with things like learning to talk, to walk, to sit up, to eat all by yourself...then as you get older you have to find a new normal when you start school and have to leave your parents for the first time, you have to find a new normal when you get your drivers license, go off to college, move into your first apartment, get your first job, go off to the military,  get married, have babies...each time you reach a milestone in your life be it small or large, good or bad, forced or planned you have to find a new normal. With every new normal comes a new set of things you have to learn and experience. Although a road with childhood cancer is not an easy one there was a new normal that came with it as well...learning the many names of chemotherapies, learning about radiation and how it works, learning the different types of childhood cancer because inevitably you are going to meet all kinds of wonderful people who are in this new normal with you, you learn how to tell a child of the horrors that they have to endure in order to be "healthy" again and away from this monster and teach them that this new normal is going to change how life is lived. This new normal teaches you humility, it teaches you thankfulness, it teaches you love, it teaches you not to take a moment for granted, it teaches you to cherish every little detail. It teaches you to find what you know and hold onto it, this new normal forges new bonds and strengthens old bonds or it sometimes even severs them...this new normal becomes your new way of life...learning that there is not enough funding for our children to get them all healthy again...this new normal is cruel...it takes you from a loving "normal" family to a family struggling to survive...this new normal brings about fear, it brings hope, it brings a family together or it can break a family apart...it takes everything you thought you knew and pushes it right out the door. Learning to deal with this new normal is not easy..learning to put faith, hope, trust, the life of your child in the hands of others is a part of this new normal and definitely not an easy part of the new normal. Then for some of us that journey continues and the new normal includes the after-effects of the chemotherapy and radiation that their child had to endure. For others the path is worse...the new normal that is faced is losing your child...finding another new normal where all of the things that you have learned in any previous normals are no longer relevant...in this new normal you have to reinvent yourself...find out who you are again...find out who your partner is...find out how to honor your baby that was taken from you...in this new normal you have to endure bad days and good days...in this new normal there are no easy answers, there is no path to follow you have to forge this new normal with no guide and learn to find peace in your new normal...finding this new normal takes a long time it is something that can't be measured in moments, hours, years, even a lifetime...because in this new normal the little life that you brought into the world is no longer here for you to see them become an adult...it is not something that is normal or wanted but it is thrust upon you and either you find your new normal or your new normal runs you over like a steamroller....

Remember the next time that you talk to a family that has lost a child don't tell them their child is in a better place...don't tell them well that was years ago aren't you over that yet?...Don't try to give them advice...let them talk to you and you talk to them about their child they truly want to know that you remember their child that they made an impact on your life...

A grieving parent will always be a grieving parent one who is living with the loss of their child coping each day to live on and make a difference, to find their new normal...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity Alyssa!! 

Love always,

Mommy

Thinking of you...

You changed me.

You changed who I am.

You changed who I will be.

I am forever changed because of you.

You've taught me that love has no boundaries.

You've taught me that there is more to life than what I know.

You've taught me to really truly count my blessings.

You've taught me the strength of a bond between mother and child.

Life is unpredictable 

Life is about the love you share, and the people that you share it with.

Life isn't easy and there is pain beyond measure. 

But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.

I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others

The way you have forever changed me.

~ Author Unknown

Dear Alyssa,

It has been way too long since I have written to you but today when I saw this I thought of you. I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!! I miss you so much!!!

Thank you shortie for visiting me this morning!!!

Love always,

Mommy

Rough days....

Dear Alyssa,

As you know rough days come and go...they come along and take you by surprise...they eat you up and spit you out...they are those days where you don't want to get out of bed, the days where you get up out of bed and sometimes wonder if you should have gotten out of bed at all...I hate those days, the ones that sneak up on you and grab a hold pulling you into some sort of vortex that you can't seem to pull out of...then in that moment when I think things could get worse I see your little face out of the corner of my eye, or hear your little voice in the breezes telling me mommy you can make it through today...you can make it through this...thinking of you!

Every time that life throws in a curve ball it always sends me spinning...it makes me wonder if I can make it through any more...and I wonder if I have made it through...I wonder if my number keeps being called because I am brave or I am just too stupid to turn away and say no more...then I think of you.

I look up at the clouds...remember like we used to when we wanted to be transported somewhere else...I see little pictures in the clouds...I see you your creativity...I hear your laughter...I feel your hand in mine...I see your little hand flying up....and your little voice asking mommy do you see it...are you here with me...thinking of you!

Today was a rough day...I got a glimpse of what it must have felt like for our families not being able to be here and feeling helpless...do you know how helpless I feel right now...do you know how badly I wish I could fix it all...make life better for everyone...find that peace...is there peace...is there a cure...always thinking of you! 

I love you peanut, shortie, bratnose...miss our little chats...do you hear it when I talk to you...do you know you never leave my thoughts...do you know that you are forever mine..that you are my sunshine...thinking of you!

Rough days will come and go...I know that you are always near...cheering me on telling me that it isn't so bad, even though in the moment it feels horrible...you are truly brave!!!

...THINKING OF YOU!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!!

Love always,

Mommy

#curechildhoodcancer #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth #kidsgetcancertoo

8 years

Dear Alyssa,

Seems like an eternity since I last held you in my arms, saw your sweet face, hugged you or told you in person I love you. It is hard to be without you...

Although I have been told "at least it has only been 8 years....at least she is in a better place....at least you had 7 years with her."  Well I hate to tell you but 8 years is way too long!!! What better place could you be than with your mommy and daddy who love you!!! 7 years was not long enough,  I want to ask them why don't you try only having your baby for 7 years. 

8 years it has been since I saw your sweet face...I miss you so much! Some people don't know how lucky they are to be able to watch their babies grow up and take on the world. I wish I could see you take on the world...I could see it my beautiful little girl taking on the world and winning making a difference. You would be one of these kids making research for childhood cancer a priority! I miss your spunk and attitude taken too soon from this world.

I love you my spunky little red-headed purple angel! I will love you forever and always! I love and miss you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always, 

Mommy!

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I have tried!

I miss your sweet face, I miss your sweet smile, I miss your wonderful laugh, I miss our snuggle time, I miss watching you grow up, I miss watching you learn, I miss listening to your stories about your day, I miss watching you sing and dance, I miss your hugs and kisses, I miss you telling me I love you Mommy, I miss cooking and baking with you, I miss our mommy daughter days, I miss our outings......

I JUST REALLY MISS YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU Alyssa Bailey Miller!!! More than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! I will see you soon and always in my dreams!!!!

#anotheryearwithoutalyssa

#gonetosoon

#curechildhoodcancer 

Quiet reflection

Dear Alyssa,
I love days like this where I am the only person out here visiting.  Surrounded by wild life a few cats, plenty of birds and the sound of quiet. It gives me a chance to clear my head. No phones ringing, no where to run to in a hurry, the sun shinning down on me through the clouds and the beauty that surrounds me ....it is so peaceful. I take the time to put pretty flowers in your vases and to enjoy some of the beauty in time to go and get stuck in traffic to head back to our house but I am truly thankful for the time that I am able to spend with you.  It is the same peace I used to feel as I sat next to you while you slept. There is nothing like watching the peaceful sleep that comes over a child, no worries, no troubles...I wish that was what you were blessed with.

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!

Love,

Mommy!!!

Saying goodbye, jealousy

Dear Alyssa,
As I am sure you know I had to say goodbye to another friend today. Sweet, loving, blessed sister Meri. I have to say I am a little jealous of her because I know she has found her way to you and that you are celebrating her arrival in a heavenly celebration. 

I know that you have welcomed her and I am a little jealous she gets to spend time with you.  I know how eager she was to meet you.  She loves children and I know she is running and playing with you. I love you sweet angel! I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! And miss you just as much!!

Love always,
Mommy