I was supposed to post this for Mother's Day but did not because it was such a rough day! I love you Alyssa!💜
So this makes Mother’s Day number 11 that I don’t get to spend with you. The last time I was able to hold you in my arms was 3896 days ago some days it feels like a lifetime other days it feels like just yesterday. When someone asks me the question how many children do you have I always answer one. When they ask if you live with me my answer is always yes and the answer will always be yes. When they ask me how old you are I answer that you would have been 18 but you are forever 7. Then they of course say oh I am so sorry what happened…then the answer comes that your life was stolen by cancer but now she is a beautiful purple butterfly. Then the comment comes that always comes wow you are so strong or some variation of that but then my response comes back I am not the strong one Alyssa was. She fought for her life and lived her life the way that everyone should. She lived as though today was all she had. She was amazing, she had a light that she spread to everyone she met. Then of course you have some that make a comment along the lines of well at least you didn’t have to go through the teen years. That is when of course the comment comes to my mind that I never say is which one of your children would you not want to go through moments of their life with. The honest truth is that I would trade anything and everything to have watched you grow up. To be able to go to your graduation in 4 days. I would love to be able to watch you leave for your prom dressed in a beautiful dress that we picked out together and have been able to do your hair for you. I also wish that I cold have just done the normal mundane daily things that go on in life. The conversations about boys, the conversations about how school is going, how someone at school said something that irritated you or even just talking about the things on TV. I would love to have some normal things with you just knowing that you are here and that I could eventually wrap my arms around you.
This time of year affects me the ads that are on TV talking about how you shouldn’t forget to show mom how much you love her. The touching commercials about how the mother and daughter have a reunion or the commercials where the kids are drawing pictures for their moms to go along with the jewelry that dad bought for her. I don’t get that, I don’t have anyone that I want to share the day with and most people do not consider me a mom because I don’t have a child here to mother. I am though…I carried you for nine months…I gave birth to you…I held you in my arms…I fought for you…watched you grow…watched you learn…I watched you fight for your life…I made decisions that no parent should ever have to make for their child…I was there with you when you came into this world and I was there when you left it…I was the one who loved you from the moment I found out that you were going to be coming into this world and still love you today…I sat in your hospital room wishing that I could take away all of your pain…I learned how to do your dialysis so that you didn’t have to have someone else do it…I have hidden my tears so that you knew that you had my strength when you were weak…I have laughed through tears…and laughed until I cried…I have lost sleep…I have snuggled into a small bed with you so that you felt safe…I have yelled and screamed at people…I have held you while you cried…soothed your fears…and shown you that you have the spirit inside of you…I listened as you told me of your adventures during surgery…I have sat and worried and waited for news of you during surgery…I have done everything that a mom is supposed to do. So what about that says that I am not a mom?
It isn’t that I want to wipe out Mother’s day. I love the meaning behind the day, I love the reason for the day but I hate that my reason for being a mom isn’t here in person to celebrate the day with me.
I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Mommy
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