Dear Alyssa,
It seems like yesterday that I woke up next to you and you didn't respond to me. The words floating in my head "mommy I love you so much"...I picked you up and moved you into my arms and couldn't feel you breathing but you were so warm. I felt for a pulse and there was nothing...I yelled for your daddy...I held you close to me to see if I was missing something obvious, you were so warm. I still didn't notice anything no heartbeat, no breathing, no response....it seemed like time stood still. Nothing moved, it seemed like there was no movement...did time stand still...I remember your dad calling 911 and then handing me the phone and they were telling me how to perform CPR on you and told me the Ambulance was on the way. They showed up after what seemed like forever and grabbed ahold of me telling me they had you...telling me they would take care of you...telling me I had to let go...those moments seemed to just stop they moved you from in front of me and took you from your room...took you from me. I got up and walked to the ambulance and got into the front seat they told me not to turn around and we went to the hospital it seemed like it took forever. No noises came from the machines in the back of the ambulance they took you from the ambulance into the hospital and away from me again...I stood there waiting for them to take me to you again and I stood in the room with you while they worked to bring you back to me but you had gained your angel wings...that was when I heard the words that would stop the world from spinning "there is nothing more we can do she is gone" I just remember falling back into a chair or onto the floor or into your dad. In that moment all I wanted was you. I wanted to hold you, to tell you I loved you, to not let you go...I walked over to the table where your little body laid and picked you up and climbed in the bed and held you...I wanted to join you to not be breathing anymore...or I wanted you back. I was always prepared to go first. It was supposed to be me...it wasn't supposed to be you. I sat there for I don't know how long then they asked about us moving to a more private room and they wanted to take you from me again. I couldn't let that happen I had to keep you close I carried you to another room and sat on the bed with you talking to you, telling you how much I love you and wanted you to come back to me. I sang you your song several times. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to be with you no matter where you were. I'm your mom I am supposed to protect you and somewhere along the lines I must have failed. I was stuck, I was lost, who was I now....I sat there for I don't know how long with you and then your dad told me we needed to go that I needed to let go. He took you from me and laid you on the bed. I kissed your forehead one more time and ran my fingers over your beautiful face...trying to remember every feature of your sweet face...trying to remember the smiles on your face and the giggles that would just make their way from your toes all the way to your little face and light up every part of the world when they escaped from your mouth. I wanted to remember the "I love yous" that you gave out with out any problem and the hugs that could make any horrible moment amazing. I wanted to remember all the little things and all the big things. Most of all though I wanted you to get up off of that bed, run to me, wrap your arms around me and tell me how much you love me. I wanted that more than anything in the world and I knew that was never going to happen I knew I was never going to hear those words from your sweet lips ever again. That was when my feet started moving away from you but my heart was tugged from my chest and left in the room with you. I didn't want to move forward but knew how upset you would be with me. We got to the car I was holding your shirt in my hands and climbed in the front seat of the car and looked over my shoulder to see your empty car seat realizing that seat would always be empty from now on. We drove home and were greeted by your babies who were looking for you and knew they would be forever looking for you. After that it was a blur of people and not knowing what way was up. We were surrounded by people who loved us but I felt completely alone. I didn't know what to do so I started seeing a therapist who prescribed a whole bunch of drugs making me hide behind something else which meant I still wasn't myself and still felt completely alone. It was one of the worst times in my life. Prior to that day I wouldn't change any memories that I have with you. Those memories some days are the only thing that get me through the days. I know had I been able to bring you back that day I would not have stopped fighting for you and I also know that you wouldn't have wanted to live on machines either but I also know that I wanted you to come back to me...I still want that. I miss you so much every day and there is always something that happens in a day that makes me think of you and want to share something with you. I miss you more than you will ever know... although now that you are watching over me you probably do know. I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Mommy
