My 40th

Dear Alyssa,

Made our butterfly cake today! Wish I could have made it with you!

My mind keeps flashing back to 10 years ago the last birthday that I got to spend with you. It is one of the best birthdays I think that I have ever had. Most people want big elaborated celebrations for their milestone birthdays but all I really wanted that day I got. I was blessed with a day to spend with you. We made my birthday cake together. You and I sat and talked about nothing in particular but it was so special to me. I loved our little birthday traditions. The baking of the birthday cake and of course icing it. Putting something special on top because a birthday cake just has to have something special on it. Then we would do our girly stuff as you called it. Painting fingers and toes talking about the things that were going on in your life and the things that were important to you…I know those things would have changed by now and probably would have included boys. I loved our talks and I miss them dearly but treasure the ones that we did have. Then of course when we were done with our girly stuff we would make a trip to the beach because every birthday needs to be celebrated with your feet in the sand and salt water. We would stop on our way home and pick up balloons that we would write on to your friends who had gotten their angel wings already and needed to be remembered and celebrated. Then we would go home and get there before your daddy. We would make dinner together and sit and eat together. Then of course no birthday is complete without cake and ice cream the ice cream being optional. Once we were done and you were ready for bed I got my birthday snuggle. I laid in your bed with you just holding on to you and never wanting to let you go. Knowing that we were another year older and hoping that I would have so many more of those moments with you. Little did I know that after that one I would never have another birthday snuggle. Of course along with those birthday snuggles came the “I love you so much mommy…I love you more shortie…no mommy I love you more…no Alyssa I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity…no mommy I love you more than all the grains of sand on the beaches and in the oceans times infinity” That is where it would end and I would give you a kiss on your little forehead and you would fall asleep. I would fall asleep with you and that day I did. I loved the feeling of being close to you.  After all that we had been through that year it was so peaceful to just lay there no monitors beeping, no nursing staff coming in and checking your vitals at all hours of the night, no lights on outside the door to your room aside from a nightlight down the hall, no noise or commotion…just you and I laying there in your bed, me feeling your little heart beat up against my chest running my hand over your little head and through your hair. I held you as tight as I could without hurting you and I never wanted to let you go. There is some sense of peace found in holding your baby that is indescribable. Those moments with you will be forever etched in my mind, that feeling of your head on my chest and the feeling of your hair as I ran my fingers through it. The feeling of spending my birthday with the most special person in my world. My wish that year was to have you home, to be able to do our usual traditions, to spend time with my shortie. My wish this year is to have those moments once again the difference between this year and that year is that I know it it not possible for my wish to come true. No matter how hard I push or try that wish will never come true. I know you would tell me mommy you aren’t supposed to tell your wish because it will never come true. Well my little peanut that wish I know will not come true until we are reunited and I know my job here is not finished so it will be quite a long time before that wish is granted. I do look forward to that day though…but the only thing I wish for on that day is that I can just hold you and never let you go. 

The only thing I have left to say to you my little peanut is this…thank you for every moment I got to spend with you, for every hug, kiss and I love you mommy, thank you for making me realize what an awesome responsibility it is to be a mommy and what an honor it is as well. Thank you for choosing me…and thank you for showing me the world through your eyes…thank you for being mine…thank you for always giving me a sign you are with me. My life is complete because you were mine. My life is complete because I have the most special little girl in my life. 

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity and I always will. 

Love always,

Mommy

So this is what 40 looks like! :P