Changes

Dear Alyssa,

In life everything must change for without change there would be no butterflies. I know I read that somewhere....I just don't remember where. My life over the last year and a half has changed a lot. Changed from something that I recognize to something that is very foreign to me. I thought a year ago that I had things figured out that I was dealing with losing you. Do you know it devastated me to lose you? It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with...most all of the things on my list of things that have overwhelmed me have happened since I lost you. It feels like I am in it alone...sinking to the bottom of whatever void I am swimming in...I feel like I am going to drown and then someone reaches a hand out and tries to save me...then in an instant that hand is gone and I am sinking again...then it happens again...there is another hand as a lifeline only to be yanked from me again...it keeps happening over and over again. What am I supposed to do? Is this what grief is? A series of hands reaching out to help me and then they are pulled away? I thought that I had a partner in all of this someone who would always understand where I was, what I needed, the pain I feel. I was wrong. We made a commitment to one another and that commitment has been severed. A few signatures and the life that had been created...gone. The home that had been erected...stolen. The memories...incinerated and left in the dust. How can one choice by another person shatter all of your hopes and dreams for the future? How can one person's selfish nature rob another of the hopes and dreams they had for the future? How can one person who built a life with someone just walk away? 

I would like to say it is as easy as hating that person for all they have done to me in the past. That I would change that one decision that I made to spend my life with that person, however, I know there is nothing that I would change about making that decision because without that decision there would never have been you. You are the one reason that any of the things that have happened in the last year and a half has been bearable, you are the only reason I have continued on. In spite of all that has gone on there is one thing I always wonder, "would Alyssa be proud of her mommy?" So shortie are you proud of your mommy?

Change...something we all experience in life...something that even though we may not be prepared for we embrace or allow to overtake us. I have chosen to embrace change...I have embraced being myself again, I embraced taking back control of my life again, and I am attempting to embrace being alone again...as I look back on the last year and a half I know that I am in a place where strength is a necessity, where although I have no idea where the future will take me I know that you will follow or maybe you are leading. I know that no matter how much I leave behind that I will gain a lot too. You are my reason...you are my strength...you are my weakness...you are always and forever my little love...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!❤️

Love always,

Mommy

Holidays

Dear Alyssa,
It is that time again and we are again celebrating without you. It sucks that this is what life has given to us to deal with but as always I am thankful for the memories I have of our holidays together. I was thinking today of our last Thanksgiving together baking a pumpkin pie with you making a huge mess in the kitchen and all of the help that you were on Thanksgiving helping to create our meal. The smile on your face while u helped with the pumpkin pie is one that I will never forget. I don't know if your love was for baking or if it was just being able to spend time with me in the kitchen. I loved teaching you things...especially to cook. The conversation that would come because of those experiences is priceless to me. I was always learning more from you than I think you were from me. I am and will alway be thankful that we were able to spend so much time together experiencing life. I keep thinking about the change in recipes with our pumpkin pie and you know to this day I don't make a pumpkin pie according to the directions.

Thanksgiving will always be my favorite holiday!!! I know it was your favorite too!!! I will always love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

DREAMS

A beautiful red headed little girl wakes up on Christmas morning and runs to the living room excited to see what Santa Claus has brought for her. Her mommy and daddy watch the excitement on her face as she turns to look at them. "When can I open my presents and help u to open yours?" she asks excitedly. Her daddy smiles at her and tells her "in a moment". The little girl runs to her daddy in excitement and gives him a big hug telling him she loves him and give him a big kiss on his cheek. He smiles down at her and tells her "now u may open your gifts". She opens one gift at a time and with each she has a smile on her face and a few giggles. She helps her mommy and daddy open their gifts and is excited to well them anoit the gifts that she picked out or made.

As beautiful as it is all of a sudden it is all gone the beautiful red headed little girl the Christmas tree and the joy that was experienced and I awaken remembering it is only just a dream. Because it has been 7 years since this was the scene in our house. 7 years since we had that hug and kiss from our little girl. 7 years since celebrating Christmas was a happy occasion all done up with lights on the house and a Christmas tree in the living room decorated with care by a little girl, her mommy and her daddy.
 
Dear sweet Alyssa,
We miss and love u so very much. We know that although u r not here in person u are always here in person. We hope that u r celebrating this Christmas in style with all of your friends that have left this world all too soon and with your family that have gone too. MERRY CHRISTMAS ANGEL! We love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Your Mommy