DREAMS

A beautiful red headed little girl wakes up on Christmas morning and runs to the living room excited to see what Santa Claus has brought for her. Her mommy and daddy watch the excitement on her face as she turns to look at them. "When can I open my presents and help u to open yours?" she asks excitedly. Her daddy smiles at her and tells her "in a moment". The little girl runs to her daddy in excitement and gives him a big hug telling him she loves him and give him a big kiss on his cheek. He smiles down at her and tells her "now u may open your gifts". She opens one gift at a time and with each she has a smile on her face and a few giggles. She helps her mommy and daddy open their gifts and is excited to well them anoit the gifts that she picked out or made.

As beautiful as it is all of a sudden it is all gone the beautiful red headed little girl the Christmas tree and the joy that was experienced and I awaken remembering it is only just a dream. Because it has been 7 years since this was the scene in our house. 7 years since we had that hug and kiss from our little girl. 7 years since celebrating Christmas was a happy occasion all done up with lights on the house and a Christmas tree in the living room decorated with care by a little girl, her mommy and her daddy.
 
Dear sweet Alyssa,
We miss and love u so very much. We know that although u r not here in person u are always here in person. We hope that u r celebrating this Christmas in style with all of your friends that have left this world all too soon and with your family that have gone too. MERRY CHRISTMAS ANGEL! We love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Your Mommy

Saying Goodbye

Saturday, September 23, 2006, the day that each parent dreads and hopes never happens to them, the day that I never thought would happen to us...

6 years ago we were making preparations for saying goodbye to you. Welcoming family from out of town into our home, not the way we ever thought that we would have the whole here in Hawaii together (at least your grandparents) I was hoping for a happy occasion, like a wedding or a graduation or I would have settled for a NO MORE CANCER party, but no it was because we had to say goodbye to you our baby, our little girl.  We were making sure that we honored you the way we were supposed to (decorating a church purple if we had to), going and visiting cemeteries, picking out a casket, putting as much thought and care into your memorial service as possible.  That was not where we were supposed to be!!!!  STUPID CANCER!!!!  We were so fortunate to have so many of our ohana helping us making sure that we did not want for anything besides you.  The one person we wanted more than anyone else.

How are you supposed to say goodbye to your baby? How are you supposed to make funeral arrangements for a 7 year old? It wasn't right...this had to be a dream...why us?  Why was it that we happened to be that family the one that you turn to and say you are sorry...then turn away from them and look to someone for guidance on what to say or do?  Why were we that family that people distanced themselves from because they didn't know what to say or do around us?  When in reality there was nothing that they could say to make any of it better or change the fact that we had lost our baby. How did we end up those poor people instead of mommy and daddy or just Marv and Maude?

Then the questions come are we still considered a family or are we just two people who are married?  Are we still considered Mommy and Daddy even though our baby is not here?  How was this going to change our relationship as husband and wife?  Were we going to drift our own ways and not even be a couple anymore?  Were we still going to be those determined people who fight for their baby even though she isn't here? Fight for a cause that took her innocence and took her from us?  Was it time to give up????  Does anyone really want to talk to those people?  Those people the ones who only talk about the child that they lost?  How long is too long to grieve?  Is grief ever done?????

DOES ANY ONE REALLY HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS????

We were THOSE PEOPLE now, those people who are a Mommy and a Daddy with no child to be an active Mommy and Daddy to, those people who you ask well how many kids do you have? The answer is one. Then always comes the next question where is she/he? The answer for that one in Heaven.  And then you get that look and a oh wow I am so SORRY!!!!  Well yeah me too!!!!  So now the question is how do we go from THOSE POOR PEOPLE to Marv and Maude again?  Is it possible????

We didn't have the answer then!  But the answer 6 years later is no it is not possible to be just the way we were before...it is not possible to be just a Mommy and a Daddy now...it is however possible to be an advocate for children who are facing CANCER, it is possible to be a Mommy or Daddy to an angel and make a difference in her name without screaming from the top of your lungs that your daughter was stolen from you by cancer.  It is possible to be a good person, grieve the loss of your loved one by making that grief into something positive, by making sure that no other parent has to hear the words "YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER" or "I AM SORRY THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT WE CAN DO".

We know now it is not possible to change the past but it is possible to change the future, it is possible to make sure that no other child is lost and no other family has to make funeral arrangements for their baby.  Making life better for another was now the goal, making sure other families have the support that they need.  The goal was to change the things that stood in our way or move them if there was no way to change them, and change those things that so many people said "YOU CAN'T CHANGE" to be the person who makes a difference....

Dear Alyssa,

Last week was not only the anniversary of you getting your angel wings but it was also the Honolulu CureSearch Walk.  I hope that you are proud of the way that things turned out.  Thank you for the Hawaiian Blessing that came at the beginning of the walk.  Always trying to make your presence known.  :)

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!!!!  I miss you so very much!!!!  Love you Shortie!!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

36 years

To My little angel:

Well 36 years for me has come and gone.  I celebrated my birthday by hanging out with your daddy watching football on the couch instead of baking a cake with you.  My memory drifts back to 6 years ago when you and I were waiting for the kitchen to be completed so that we could bake cakes together and maybe some chocolate chip cookies.  Hanging out with you and your daddy has always been my bliss, my happiness, my happy place.  Doing something with you was always more than enough to keep me going.  As yet another year is coming to a close and we approach yet another anniversary my thoughts turn to the days we had after you came home.  The days that you and I spent together making more memories.  I am so thankful for those moments and for the memories that we made.  I am thankful for every bucket of icing that you had to lick the last little bit out of because "Mommy it is chocolate, you can't waste chocolate".  I miss teaching you to cook and explore the different tastes of food.  I miss doing arts and crafts with you and watching you learn how to paint or draw or figure out how weird it felt to have the paint between your fingers and toes.

Thank you for the memories, thank you for the moments, thank you for being my baby!!!  Thank you for teaching me how awesome it is to be a MOMMY!!!  You are my reason!!!

Ok so I know you have been watching over us.  I know that you saw mommy and daddy get dressed up and go to the party on Saturday and I know that you were watching as we were able to see so many friends that we haven't seen in years.  Hard to believe it has been 6 years that we haven't seen some of them.  It is amazing after all this time that the friends and family that we had surrounding us when you left this earth are here supporting us so close to your sixth anniversary.  Amazing friends and the support is never failing and always there when we need it, so fortunate to have been surrounded by love 6 years ago and again in the week leading up to your angel birthday.  Sometimes I wonder how time could move so very fast and other days I wonder why it is crawling.  I am in no hurry to leave this earth, I believe that my time here is making a difference and I believe that I am doing what you left for me to do.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

I leave you with the harsh reality 36 children will be diagnosed with cancer today, 13,500 will be diagnosed this year, 7 will no be able to survive their treatments and 7 families will have to say good bye to a child way too young and way too soon!  Donate to Alyssa's Team at the Honolulu CureSearch Walk on September 15, 2012!  Help us to reach our goal!  Mahalo nui loa!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ITrd7fM6aY a beautiful song about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer his name is Ronan.  Watch it and try not to cry or be moved to help!!!

Moving experience

Dear Alyssa,

It is amazing to me that there are small ways that you come into my life and still show me that you are there.  This past Saturday I took a trip to Kaneohe this time not solely to see you but this time it was to go and visit a wonderful woman's house who raises butterflies.  It was one of the coolest experiences that I have ever had and I knew you were there I felt you.  We got there a little late but then we learned about butterflies about how to tell a female from a male, how long it takes to turn from a grown caterpillar to a butterfly, I got to hold a caterpillar or two and I got to hold and feed a few butterflies so much fun.  And I know that you would have had a blast. When we went into the big cage that the butterflies grew up in, that was where we fed them, I stood there with two cotton balls on my hand with sugar water on it, and on top of the two cotton balls sat two butterflies.  Is it weird that I felt you standing there with me? Then I look down not only do I have two on my hand but I also have one on my shirt too.

After we were done holding and feeding the butterflies it was time to release them.  Let them fly free and send a wish from me to the heavens.  Do you know what I wished for?  Did you hear my wish?

It was an awesome experience and I am so glad that we went!  

I miss you so much but it is so great that you are so close to where the butterflies are being born.  It is great that not only did I get to go and release a beautiful creature into the wild I got to spend a little time out with you.  I will do it again but I have to admit that it was a great way to start Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  

I love you so very much, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.  I will see you soon and thank you for being there in my dreams. 

Love always,

Mommy

CureSearch and 6 years

Dear Alyssa,

Where to start???  I have been planning for the last year for what is coming up in 16 days.  I have made it a point to remember why I am doing this and where I hope to get to because of you.  I am trying to make a difference like you asked of me.  I want to raise awareness but also money for a wonderful cause.  We need to reach our goal.  We need to raise over $15,000 for children's cancer research at the Honolulu CureSearch Walk on the 15th of September and yes it is the day after your angel birthday.  I planned it that way on purpose.  I need to stay busy, I need to have a mission!!!

6 years is a long time to not see your sweet face or hear your laugh or hold you in my arms or hold your hand.  If it weren't for this horrible disease  you would still be here and I wouldn't have to hurt or miss you so much my heart breaks.  I have tried to turn losing you into a positive and make a difference in your name but some days I wonder, am I making a difference, did I make someone else aware of childhood cancer and let them know it isn't rare? Do people care? Or are they so wrapped up in their lives and in themselves that if it doesn't affect them then it doesn't matter?  It is amazing how quickly it struck our family.  You didn't really act sick and they said it was only a Urinary Tract Infection...how did that lead to this?  People always say it won't happen to me and think that they are invincible and I used to be one of those people...but if you look at the facts there will be 13,500 parents that will hear this year the most horrible words "YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER" it is not something that you can take in stride it is something that will alter your very being, how you look at your child, how you look at something as simple as a bruise or a fever.  It changes the way that you feel.  It reminds you how precious life really is.  Do people stop and think about how precious life is? Are they thankful for every day when it comes to a close that they had the opportunity to experience life and all it's wonders?  Are they thankful for their children and the moments they get to spend with them or is it just another day?  Are they thankful for the healthy children that they have and that fear doesn't strike or that they don't have a panic attack each time the phone rings when their child is away from them? Are they happy to have peace of mind that their children are happy and healthy?

Sometimes I wonder why us? Why were we the ones to loose you? Why were you taken from us so young? But I guess the real answer is that you my angel were given to us to make a difference...you were put on this planet to remind people of the beauty of life...you were given to us to show us what true love is...you were given to your daddy and I for all too brief a time to shine a light on a community that is overshadowed by so many other causes...you gave a cause a voice...you gave that cause your mommy!!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity...I will miss you until there is no more breath in my body and I can hold you in my arms again!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG PLEASE TAKE FIVE MINUTES AND DONATE TO THE CURESEARCH WALK IN HONOLULU BY DONATING TO ALYSSA'S TEAM AT THE LINK BELOW!!!

http://www.curesearchwalk.org/honolulu/alyssas_butterflies

Ask and you shall receive...

Dear Alyssa (Shortie),

On Friday we had our typical conversation...me talking to you telling you what went on during the week, what things frustrated me, telling you the things that have totally stressed me out and you were there.  Showing me that you were listening with the busy little butterflies flitting about your little spot.  It amazes me that for the longest time I would go out and visit you and no butterflies then last year just after your angel birthday I started seeing these little butterflies...now I see them all the time!!

Today was one of those days I couldn't find my happy medium, I felt a little off and then this evening after taking care of a few things for the CureSearch walk I was outside after giving Kona a bath and this flew by....

Stopped flew around my head for a few and then landed again...

Sat there and let me take pictures and then flew off....

Do you know how much I love seeing butterflies and how much they mean to me? Do you hear me when I talk to you after seeing one?  Am I crazy????

Then after I came in the house after giving the doggies a bath the things that I told you about or was thinking about when I saw the butterfly flying around all happened.

ASK AN ANGEL AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE!!!

I am so glad that you are our guardian angel. That you keep looking out for us.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.  

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

Thank you for this!!!!

Butterfly Symbolism

   A symbol of metamorphosis, being carefree, transformation,

immortality, rebirth, resurrection, grace, light,

soul, change, joy, love, flight, freedom, creative thinking,

hope, beauty, beginning of new life and strength.

The Butterfly a symbol of spring truly

reflects the beauty of nature.

Sitting with an angel

Dear Alyssa,
As I sit here by your quiet little spot with the breezes blowing I wonder how can anyone question if this is good for me? Every Friday I come and visit you sit in the same spot and look at this beautiful view. I know that I have found peace. I have found that one place where I am not judged or pressured or made to feel bad. I can just be....not feeling the need to impress anyone or be fake or not feel or express the emotions that sometimes just creep up on me. I feel like I can just be me, the no frills mommy to an angel. Hopefully the mommy that u remember.


I love that when I leave this beautiful place that I feel whole again. I feel like the stresses of the week that have plagued me just melt away.  I feel like anything is possible if I tell you or even if I don't tell you.  You are my reason for everything. The one person who  never judged me or wanted me to be something that I wasn't or that I am not.
Thank you for every once in a while showing me you are here with me and I am not alone. For reminding me to take time and just be without putting any pressure on myself. For reminding me that sitting quietly is as important as being busy.  For being my little girl.  I love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Mommy

Amazed...

Dear Alyssa,
It still amazes me the impact that you have on people. Last night mommy and daddy went to show Uncle Patrick some love and support him in his journey through cancer. While we were there we ran into so many people who remembered the three of us and all we went through as a family as well as what u went through. Then as we were getting ready to leave Uncle Patrick thanked us for you. For letting him care for you when you were in the PICU and for you taking care of him while he has been on his journey through cancer. You still amaze me...the way that u can let me know you are there even though I may not be able to see you...the way that you care for those that you love...you are amazing and I love u so very much!!!
All the love in the world times infinity is how much I love u...
Love always,
Mommy

Angel Catcher

Dear Alyssa,

I guess I have written more about you over the last several years than I thought that I have.  I have written to you a letter each year on your birthday and on your angel birthday.  I also started writing the book for you, about you.  I guess you are more of an inspiration to me than I thought...always teaching me something about myself who I am now and who I want to be.  What I want to do to make a difference!  I am always amazed how you find your way into my every day, my every moment, my wishes and my dreams.  You are there!!!!  Several years ago, just after you passed away I was given a book and it was called an angel catcher...it was a place to write down my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions and I came across it today so I thought that I would share it with you.  My thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, wishes they all lead to you...Thank you for being a part of me of my everyday...I love you so very much!!!

Love,
Mommy

Alyssa's Angel Catcher

A Journal of Loss and Remembrance

I feel afraid….

Everything I do today is in slow motion.

I feel numb.

My mind doesn’t work.

I can’t make decisions.

Here is what I absolutely must do…

I have to get out of bed and get dressed.  Make the bed and breathe make sure to always breathe. 

I’m very tired now.

I know I need to rest because my emotions are taking over.

I’ll feel better if I….

Go for a walk and clear my head.  Lay down and actually sleep.  Take time for myself and think of you. 

Our Last Conversation

This was our last conversation…

You woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you told me that you loved me several times.  You told me that you felt better and asked me if I could carry you back to your room and snuggle with you.  We watched some cartoons on TV I think that it was Spongebob and you and I laid together on your bed.  You with your head on my chest and I was rubbing your head.  You fell asleep and I just held you then I fell asleep.  Late in the night you moved off of my chest and sat up on the head of the bed resting against your pillows where I found you the next morning at 7:00 am. 

The last conversation I want to remember…

Was that one with you telling me that you love me.  That is the most special gift that you could have ever given me.  I love you so much!!!

Sleeplessness

When I can’t sleep, I am thinking about…

You and our trip to Disney World or the day that you were born.  Or the day that I found out that I was pregnant with you and then I told your daddy and he didn’t talk to me for three days. 

I know that you would say…

I love you, Mommy.  Will you snuggle with me then you will fall right to sleep. 

Next time I can’t sleep I am going to…

Try to relax and watch some TV it is a great distraction for my mind that travels at a million miles a minute. 

Watching you go…

Watching you go was…

The hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  I was pushing you like I always have.  I was surprisingly strong and calm.  Seeing you that morning sitting all hunched over at the head of your bed was the scariest sight that I have ever seen.  Knowing in the back of my head that this could be the last time that you are ever in this house scared me.  Trying to save you when you were already gone.  Giving you CPR when it wasn’t going to help and not knowing what to do to help you was very scary. 

I wanted to say…

I wanted to make sure that you know how much I love you and how much you have meant to me.  I could not have had a better little girl.  You make my life so very wonderful.  Your smile could light up a room and make me smile just knowing that you were close to me.  I have never felt so very whole, being your mommy was the greatest gift ever.  I love you more than anything in this whole world. 

I wanted you to say…

I love you, Mommy!

At the time I felt…

Helplessness

Now I feel…

Lost without you.

When I heard you were gone, I…

Cried and cried and cried and cried…

I felt…

Lost, sadness, alone…

Worry List

My mind is so full of worries I sometimes think I must be going crazy.

Here’s what I need help through…

I need help through every day

I need help making sure that time doesn’t stand still and making sure that I have enough to fill my days.

The Memorial Service

The funeral/memorial service was today.

Things turned out beautiful although that is the only way that things could have turned out for you.  People that love you very much surrounded us and beautiful things were said about you.  Before the service your daddy and I stood very close to you and just stared and you.  You looked like you were sleeping.  I kissed you more times than I can count and I felt at peace standing next to you and I knew that if I was at peace then you were too.  It seemed as though time stood still.

The most important thing about it for me was…

That your grandparents all of them were there and able to be with us.  It was also important that Meagan was here with us. 

I Miss You

I miss the way we…

Snuggled at night in your bed before we both fell asleep.  I miss the way we always did little things together like doing the laundry you put in the soap and the fabric softner and then helped me start the washing machine then when it was time to put all of the stuff in the dryer you were right there helping with that too.  Putting in the dryer sheet and making sure that all the clothes went in the dryer too.  I miss you helping me with dinner at night helping me to make the decision as to what to have for dinner.  I miss you coming up and out of nowhere giving me a hug and telling me that you love me.  I miss the smile on your face when a song would come on the radio that you knew and then listening to you sing the songs.  I miss watching you sing on your Karaoke machine and watching you dance around the room while you were singing.  I miss watching you snuggle with your daddy.  I miss the way that you always went and grabbed your blanket and then crawled into your daddy’s lap.  I miss tucking in your daddy with you at night then you and I having our private time.  I miss taking you to school and then when I came and picked you up the excitement that you would have in telling me about your day.  I miss our Saturday mornings snuggling in Mommy and Daddy’s bed watching cartoons.  I miss you helping mommy by telling Daddy that it is time for dinner.  I miss playing polly pockets and Barbie’s with you.  I miss you playing in the pool with your Daddy.  I miss you chasing Lobo around the house to get his ball and I know that he misses it too!

I miss being with you when we…

Go shopping, cook dinner, make cookies, finished the kitchen, plant flowers in the yard, work in the yard, play X-Box, play with Lobo

It will help me feel better if I…

Take time for myself and spend time doing things that I know that you loved to do.  If I take the time to make sure that the things that were important to you become a reality like the Beads of Courage program and making sure that I write your book!  Take time to come out to visit you at the cemetery!

I visited your grave today…

We took out flowers and cut the grass and cleaned up for you to make your site look nice.  It looks like you with all of the things that we have done for you.  You have a butterfly trellis and some cars and a little jewelry box and of course Spongebob.  We have it decorated like you did your room.  Making a statement that you were here and you are a beautiful little girl with many loves!

I felt…

Sad, and I found today that I am still so very proud of you, you still have a force around you that still draws people to you.  Today when we were standing beside you a older couple came up and started talking to us and made several comments about how you are so very loved.  It made me miss you even more and made me wish that you were here so that you could affect more peoples lives just the way that you always have.  I know that you still do but it isn’t the same.  I miss giving you hugs and kisses and telling you how much I love you and spending time with you.  I always feel so very peaceful when I am out at the cemetery with you.  I feel you touching me and letting me know that you are there with a breeze or a small rain shower or even with a laugh from your Daddy when he does something goofy!  But I guess that is just who your Daddy is!

Trust

I am finding it hard to trust anyone right now…especially myself.

You would say…

Mommy you need not worry nothing is going to happen and everything is going to be okay because I said so.  You are a great Mommy and I am glad that you are mine.  Mommy you don’t have to trust anyone just know that you are the best you take care of me better than anyone can and you have always done for me before you have done for yourself.  I love you mommy!

Remembering

This is a sad, happy, confusing day for me.

I am remembering where I was when I heard the news…

I was at the St. Francis West Hospital in the ER with you when I found out.

The first thing I did was…

Rush from the chair that I was sitting in over to you and pick you up.  That was the worst and most helpless feeling that I have ever had.  I knew that there was nothing else that I could do to save you and I blamed myself. 

The hardest thing for me today is…

Knowing that in this moment of your death would be the last time that I would hold you in my arms and be able to kiss you.  And feel your sweet soft hair run though my fingers, and be able to hold your little hand in mine.  To know that you were no longer my baby and now that you are somebody else’s baby (You will ALWAYS be my baby!!!!!).

Here’s how my head feels… 

I get frequent headaches. My head is a jumble of different thoughts about you and all the things that we have done together and all of the things that I will miss out on being able to see you do.  Like getting married, having your first date, having your first boyfriend, having your first kiss, becoming a young woman…

My heart feels…

Broken, sad, empty, like a huge chunk has been taken out and left in the dirt

Here’s what I am going to do to remember you today…

I am going to play with Lobo, give you a kiss before bed like I always do and tell you “good night sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite” tell you how much I love you and miss you

Sick Inside

The sadness makes me physically ill sometimes.  I feel…

Lost without you, I feel as though I have not purpose, I feel like crying and crying,  I feel like I need a hug! (one of those special hugs that only Alyssa can give)

It goes away when…

I am active, when I spend time with your Daddy, when I think of you and see a picture of you or video that we have taken. 

I worry that…

Something is going to happen to someone else I love.  I worry that I won’t be able to save that someone.  I worry that I will be alone.  I worry that I will forget you.  I worry that I can’t make the world a better place in some small way. 

Sometimes the pain is so great I…

Feel like I can’t do a thing.  Like I should just go back to bed and the pain will go away.  Don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

To make me feel better I am going to…

Take more walks, take time for myself, spend as much time as I can with the ones that I love, take the time to come out to visit you and spend time out there with you talking to you and telling you as much as I can, make a difference in the things that I can change, make your projects and passions a reality.

Guilt

I can’t seem to stop feeling guilty.

Here’s what I am feeling…

I am feeling that I didn’t do enough for you.  That I could have saved you if I would have given you more time and energy that night.  If I would have stayed awake instead of going back to sleep. 

Here’s what you would say to me…

Mommy, you went to sleep that night because I didn’t want you to hurt.  You loved me so much that you would have done anything to make me okay.  God told me that it was time to go and be a butterfly and I trusted him and I took his hand and we watched you sleep.  You were so peaceful and I wanted to make sure that you couldn’t do anything to try to save me because I really wanted to be a butterfly.  I am always with you in your heart and in your soul and I will never leave.  There will always be butterflies in the yard and know that I am there making sure that you and Daddy are okay!  I love you very much and you did everything that you could to save me!  You gave me the best life and the most love that you could!

Roller Coaster

Lately, I feel like I ‘m on a roller coaster.  My emotions are all over the place.  Here’s where I am on the ride…

I feel like I have no control of my life and things are spiraling out of control.

I believe one day I’ll be safe again, back on solid ground.

Frustrations

Some days I get so frustrated I want to scream, punch pillows, and break things.  I never knew I had the capacity to get so angry.  Looking back, I can hardly believe what I did.

The only person I want to talk to about my feelings is you.

You would say…

I love you mommy and everything is going to be okay.

Miserable today

Why bother getting out of bed in the morning?  I don’t want to see anyone.  I don’t want to do anything.

I feel…

I know I must…

To get though this day I will…

Hiding

I want to hide away from the world.  I don’t like going out.  I feel like I’ll scare people away.  No one knows how to be with me right now.  I keep thinking they expect me to break down and cry.

You would say…

Mommy hiding is not going to make things better go out and show the world that you still have a lot of fight in you.  And you are doing it for me.

First Steps

Made It…

I made it through another day.  I hated nearly every minute, but I did it.  Tomorrow is another day.  I am not looking forward to it either, but somehow I will get through.  I can’t wait till I don’t feel this way anymore.  I want to be excited about my days.

Here’s what you would say to me…

There is always something exciting that happens everyday even if it is small.  There is always something in the day that should make you happy or at least give a small smile.  Look at me I went through so much and I still found things to smile about even if it was only my mommy and daddy giving me a hug or a kiss.  There was always something to smile about. 

Celebration

I get angry when I see people in the world who are still alive, when you aren’t!  But then I remember I must celebrate the people who are still around me.

I must make sure I have no unfinished business with anyone.  Life is too short to be little.

I must call…

Rebecca, Hannah, Cole, your Grandpa, Nana, Miss Patty, Your daddy

I must write…

To all of the people in my address book that I have e-mail addresses for.

I must visit…

Aunt Kristina and Logan and Auntie Cris

I must touch…

Your daddy and make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses enough for the both of us

I love you!

I love you!!!

I love the way you…

Smile, laugh, hug, kiss, always show your emotions by your facial expressions, never give up, make people gravitate toward you, always let people know how you are feeling, make me smile and laugh, and enjoy every day, never let things get you down

I love the way we…

Always found the time to spend time together, baked, played in your room, watched TV together, always had fun doing crafts together

I loved it when we…

Went to the beach, laughed about nothing, sang songs together, talked about everything and nothing

I will always remember how you…

Could always make me laugh and smile

It’s hard for me to be without you when I…

Go out to the stores and I see other mommies with their children laughing and smiling

Here’s what I am going to do to show my love for you…

I am going to make a trip out to see you as often as I can and bring you flowers, I am going to try to start the Beads of Courage Program in as many hospitals as I can, I am going to write the book that you asked me to write about your journey in life.

Where are you now?

I wonder where you are now.  I think you are…

In a beautiful field of flowers with butterflies all over, running and playing like you weren’t able to do here on earth for the last several years.

Surrender.

When I let go, I feel…

sad

If I had gone first

I keep wondering how you would have been if I had died first.  What sort of funeral would you have given me?

I think that you would have placed as much love into my funeral as we put into yours, making sure that everyone knew what kind of person I was.

What would you have said about me?

She was my mommy and I love her very much

How would you be now?

Sad but still finding ways to carry on my spirit

Special

It’s hard for me to deal with the things that you left behind.

I want to keep track of who has what.

As a memento, I would like to save…

Treasures

And give away…

Screaming days

Some days I feel like screaming.  Today is one of them.

It’s because…

When you were upset, you used to…

Come and crawl into my lap and want me to rock with you until you felt better, I would rub your back and kiss you on the head and you would start to feel better

When I am done screaming, I am going to…

Mean Thoughts

I am really angry at you for leaving me…

I have not been angry at all for you for leaving me.  I know that you weren’t as healthy and happy as you could be here with me and now you are healthy and happy

Guess What!

When something exciting happens, you are the first person I want to tell.

Here’s what has just happened…

I have gotten the Beads of Courage Program started in your name at Tripler.

This is what you would say to me…

Mommy I think that is great!

I feel you

I keep wishing you would give me a sign to show me you are around sometimes.

I think you are near when…

I am playing with the dogs, or when I walk into your room, and when I am sleeping and just about every other moment in the day

Special Treats

I miss our special treats.

Today I’ll treat myself.

You would have wanted me to…

Go and have a pedicure and for you to have a manicure!  And to take your daddy with us!

Dreaming of you

I would like to dream about you.

In my dream, we would…

Play together in a field of flowers and talk about all of the things that we didn’t have a chance to.

I would say…

Alyssa I love you so much and I miss you more than words can say.

You would say…

Mommy, I love you too and I miss you too!

Sayings

I remember what you used to say to me…

At night when we were tucking your daddy into bed, you would tell me that I only got one kiss and you got the rest.  And you would tell us that you had run out of kisses and you have to wait for the kisses fairy to come and give you more.

And what you used to say to…

Your daddy, you would tell him “goodnight sleep tight don’t let the mommy bugs bite”

I find myself saying…

Goodnight sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite to Lobo at night when I tuck him in under his blanket.

Here’s what I know you would say to me now…

Mommy I love you and I wish that I could give you a hug

Songs

Your favorite song was…

I don’t think that you had a favorite song you loved Elvis songs, your Lilo and Stitch soundtrack, Strawberry Shortcake songs,  Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson , and most other types of music and you loved the ones that you knew the words to and you would sing them in the car or around the house to me and I used to love that so much.

We used to sing…

Your princess songs, Breakaway

When you sang I felt…

So happy and proud of you that you weren’t afraid to express yourself with song

Here are some of your other favorite songs…

Swallowing my memories

I remember what fun we used to have when we went out for a meal together.

You used to love…

To have your daddy as your date you would hold his hand and he would open the doors for you and then when we were seated you would sit right beside your daddy and love on him.  And to go to Outback Steakhouse

Sometimes it seems very hard to want to be happy now that we can’t go out together.  Right now I would like to…

Go to Outback Steakhouse with you and be able to do the word search with you

I loved when you cooked…

Chocolate chip cookies that was your specialty

Recipe for…

Forever food!

When I eat Oreo Cookies I think of you.

When I drink Iced Tea I remember you.

I remember my favorite meal with you…

Was always going out to Outback Steakhouse and watching you eat the bread and then not be able to eat your chicken strips when they would come and you would always not eat for hours before when you knew we were going to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

I am going to remember you by…

Going to Outback Steakhouse at least once a year.  I will try to go on your birthday.

Getting better

I feel sad today.  I know one quick way to feel better is to help someone else.

Today I will…

I remember how you used to …

In your memory I want to…

Start an Alyssa Garden and I want to get the Beads of Courage Program started at as many hospitals as I can.

Please tell me what else I can do for others…

continuing the story...

Dear Alyssa,
How I got you to the moment I became your mommy...

When I was 23 years old I became a mom...the most amazing part of my life was just beginning!  There was so much positive and maybe some negative on the horizon and I was so excited to embark on this wonderful journey.  The moment that I first held you my beautiful little girl in my arms was amazing, I was tired, but felt so alive, was happy and sad, and felt very blessed.  I could not have loved a person more, aside from the wonderful man that you would call "Daddy".  To be given such a wonderful gift, how could I have been so lucky.  Happy, Healthy and full of life this amazing little being was mine to help explore this world, to teach her right from wrong, to teach her how amazing the world could be despite the bad that lingered in it.  What an awe inspiring moment to realize that you were to be someone's kumu (teacher).

Now years later I treasure those moments, the memories that I have spending time with such an amazing human being.  You came into the world not knowing anything and I helped to mold you into a strong, happy, sweet, wonderful person. 

When you were diagnosed with cancer I started writing in a journal everyday about the things that you experienced, what kind of twists and turns that her journey took...but I never really wrote about my feelings or emotions that came from your experiences and when you passed away I stopped writing, stopped telling the story of where we were, how we got here, what a day feels like to not hold our little girl in our arms, or watching you grow up.  For you I want to continue to tell your story, to explain what it is like living without your child, being a mother to an angel. And hopefully helping others to understand watching a child faced with cancer is amazing...the strength that exudes from them radiates to all those that surround them.

I promise that I will live up to what you wanted from me a book, about you...telling your story, explaining the things that happened behind closed doors, the things that most do not have to experience and maybe answering some questions that others are afraid to ask.

Live like heaven begins tomorrow,

Sing like no one is listening,

Love like you've never been hurt before,

Dance like no one is watching.

~ Author Unknown

Promises

Dear Alyssa,
A little more than 6 years ago I made some promises to you.  I promised you that I would try to make a difference after you were done with your treatments for cancer and were finally to the NED (No Evidence of Disease) status and were finally a survivor.   I think that I am fulfilling that goal and I will continue along that path.  I also promised you that I would write a book about you, I haven't done that yet but I think this is the best way for me to do accomplish that goal. I wrote your journal to you and I want to write this the maybe eventual book to you as well.  It is hard to believe that you have been gone for almost 6 years...life hasn't changed much your mommy and daddy are still pretty crazy and still love one another.  The doggies that you sent to us are very loved and well taken care of and we miss you more than words can say.


I can't believe that today you would be starting 8th grade when it seems like just yesterday you were getting ready to start first grade.  Seeing you make so many friends, learning your way around school and learning all kinds of new things was just as exciting for me as it was for you.  I am sorry that you have not been her to experience the last 6 years...I wonder what you would look like, would you still love spending time with me, would you still want to be seen places with me or would you be embarrassed by me, would you still love spending time with your daddy, learning from him and still educating the both of us?  Would you still love watching Spongebob with your daddy or snuggling with him on the couch?  Would you still be a clean freak with a clean room or would you be a normal messy teenager?  Would you have had a kidney transplant by now or would you still be on a waiting list? Would you still be an affectionate, loving, sweet little girl or would you have been toughened up by your peers?  Would you be excited to help out the other kids at the CureSearch Walk?  What kinds of ideas would you have to make it all better?  Would you even want to help me with putting it together or would you want to do your own thing?  Would you still love cheetos? Would you still prefer a Ham and Cheese sandwich over any other type of food?  Would you still run up to me and tell me "I love you Mommy"?

The questions are all there the what if's, the why's, the would you's...some days they plague my thoughts and others I just don't even want to think about it...I think that I have found a happy medium in my every day life. Making a difference where I can, making sure that each day I tell you how much I love you even though you are not there to respond. Making sure that with each breath I take that I remember that I have been given a gift even though it was only for a brief moment...I was given the most special little person to remind me why life is so important...why everyday I need to make sure that your daddy knows how much I love him even if that means bugging him...I know that because I am your mommy I am strong enough to make things happen for the good, I am wise enough to know that loving, honoring and respecting those that you love is more important than anything and I am loved enough to keep on fighting.  I have found myself, I know who I am and what I am meant to do...because of you I know that making a difference just one person at a time is the best way to start.  In all that I do and accomplish you are the one person who I want to honor and make sure that your memory is kept alive...because of you another child has a smile on his or her face....because of you I can make a difference.  Thank you baby for being my beacon, my light in the fog, my path to follow...I have truly been blessed to have you in my life and be your mommy.  I love you more than life itself, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen, I love you from here to eternity.

Love always,
Mommy