Dear Alyssa,
A little more than 6 years ago I made some promises to you. I promised you that I would try to make a difference after you were done with your treatments for cancer and were finally to the NED (No Evidence of Disease) status and were finally a survivor. I think that I am fulfilling that goal and I will continue along that path. I also promised you that I would write a book about you, I haven't done that yet but I think this is the best way for me to do accomplish that goal. I wrote your journal to you and I want to write this the maybe eventual book to you as well. It is hard to believe that you have been gone for almost 6 years...life hasn't changed much your mommy and daddy are still pretty crazy and still love one another. The doggies that you sent to us are very loved and well taken care of and we miss you more than words can say.
I can't believe that today you would be starting 8th grade when it seems like just yesterday you were getting ready to start first grade. Seeing you make so many friends, learning your way around school and learning all kinds of new things was just as exciting for me as it was for you. I am sorry that you have not been her to experience the last 6 years...I wonder what you would look like, would you still love spending time with me, would you still want to be seen places with me or would you be embarrassed by me, would you still love spending time with your daddy, learning from him and still educating the both of us? Would you still love watching Spongebob with your daddy or snuggling with him on the couch? Would you still be a clean freak with a clean room or would you be a normal messy teenager? Would you have had a kidney transplant by now or would you still be on a waiting list? Would you still be an affectionate, loving, sweet little girl or would you have been toughened up by your peers? Would you be excited to help out the other kids at the CureSearch Walk? What kinds of ideas would you have to make it all better? Would you even want to help me with putting it together or would you want to do your own thing? Would you still love cheetos? Would you still prefer a Ham and Cheese sandwich over any other type of food? Would you still run up to me and tell me "I love you Mommy"?
The questions are all there the what if's, the why's, the would you's...some days they plague my thoughts and others I just don't even want to think about it...I think that I have found a happy medium in my every day life. Making a difference where I can, making sure that each day I tell you how much I love you even though you are not there to respond. Making sure that with each breath I take that I remember that I have been given a gift even though it was only for a brief moment...I was given the most special little person to remind me why life is so important...why everyday I need to make sure that your daddy knows how much I love him even if that means bugging him...I know that because I am your mommy I am strong enough to make things happen for the good, I am wise enough to know that loving, honoring and respecting those that you love is more important than anything and I am loved enough to keep on fighting. I have found myself, I know who I am and what I am meant to do...because of you I know that making a difference just one person at a time is the best way to start. In all that I do and accomplish you are the one person who I want to honor and make sure that your memory is kept alive...because of you another child has a smile on his or her face....because of you I can make a difference. Thank you baby for being my beacon, my light in the fog, my path to follow...I have truly been blessed to have you in my life and be your mommy. I love you more than life itself, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen, I love you from here to eternity.
Love always,
Mommy
A little more than 6 years ago I made some promises to you. I promised you that I would try to make a difference after you were done with your treatments for cancer and were finally to the NED (No Evidence of Disease) status and were finally a survivor. I think that I am fulfilling that goal and I will continue along that path. I also promised you that I would write a book about you, I haven't done that yet but I think this is the best way for me to do accomplish that goal. I wrote your journal to you and I want to write this the maybe eventual book to you as well. It is hard to believe that you have been gone for almost 6 years...life hasn't changed much your mommy and daddy are still pretty crazy and still love one another. The doggies that you sent to us are very loved and well taken care of and we miss you more than words can say.
I can't believe that today you would be starting 8th grade when it seems like just yesterday you were getting ready to start first grade. Seeing you make so many friends, learning your way around school and learning all kinds of new things was just as exciting for me as it was for you. I am sorry that you have not been her to experience the last 6 years...I wonder what you would look like, would you still love spending time with me, would you still want to be seen places with me or would you be embarrassed by me, would you still love spending time with your daddy, learning from him and still educating the both of us? Would you still love watching Spongebob with your daddy or snuggling with him on the couch? Would you still be a clean freak with a clean room or would you be a normal messy teenager? Would you have had a kidney transplant by now or would you still be on a waiting list? Would you still be an affectionate, loving, sweet little girl or would you have been toughened up by your peers? Would you be excited to help out the other kids at the CureSearch Walk? What kinds of ideas would you have to make it all better? Would you even want to help me with putting it together or would you want to do your own thing? Would you still love cheetos? Would you still prefer a Ham and Cheese sandwich over any other type of food? Would you still run up to me and tell me "I love you Mommy"?
The questions are all there the what if's, the why's, the would you's...some days they plague my thoughts and others I just don't even want to think about it...I think that I have found a happy medium in my every day life. Making a difference where I can, making sure that each day I tell you how much I love you even though you are not there to respond. Making sure that with each breath I take that I remember that I have been given a gift even though it was only for a brief moment...I was given the most special little person to remind me why life is so important...why everyday I need to make sure that your daddy knows how much I love him even if that means bugging him...I know that because I am your mommy I am strong enough to make things happen for the good, I am wise enough to know that loving, honoring and respecting those that you love is more important than anything and I am loved enough to keep on fighting. I have found myself, I know who I am and what I am meant to do...because of you I know that making a difference just one person at a time is the best way to start. In all that I do and accomplish you are the one person who I want to honor and make sure that your memory is kept alive...because of you another child has a smile on his or her face....because of you I can make a difference. Thank you baby for being my beacon, my light in the fog, my path to follow...I have truly been blessed to have you in my life and be your mommy. I love you more than life itself, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen, I love you from here to eternity.
Love always,
Mommy
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