Angel Catcher

Dear Alyssa,

I guess I have written more about you over the last several years than I thought that I have.  I have written to you a letter each year on your birthday and on your angel birthday.  I also started writing the book for you, about you.  I guess you are more of an inspiration to me than I thought...always teaching me something about myself who I am now and who I want to be.  What I want to do to make a difference!  I am always amazed how you find your way into my every day, my every moment, my wishes and my dreams.  You are there!!!!  Several years ago, just after you passed away I was given a book and it was called an angel catcher...it was a place to write down my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions and I came across it today so I thought that I would share it with you.  My thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, wishes they all lead to you...Thank you for being a part of me of my everyday...I love you so very much!!!

Love,
Mommy

Alyssa's Angel Catcher

A Journal of Loss and Remembrance

I feel afraid….

Everything I do today is in slow motion.

I feel numb.

My mind doesn’t work.

I can’t make decisions.

Here is what I absolutely must do…

I have to get out of bed and get dressed.  Make the bed and breathe make sure to always breathe. 

I’m very tired now.

I know I need to rest because my emotions are taking over.

I’ll feel better if I….

Go for a walk and clear my head.  Lay down and actually sleep.  Take time for myself and think of you. 

Our Last Conversation

This was our last conversation…

You woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you told me that you loved me several times.  You told me that you felt better and asked me if I could carry you back to your room and snuggle with you.  We watched some cartoons on TV I think that it was Spongebob and you and I laid together on your bed.  You with your head on my chest and I was rubbing your head.  You fell asleep and I just held you then I fell asleep.  Late in the night you moved off of my chest and sat up on the head of the bed resting against your pillows where I found you the next morning at 7:00 am. 

The last conversation I want to remember…

Was that one with you telling me that you love me.  That is the most special gift that you could have ever given me.  I love you so much!!!

Sleeplessness

When I can’t sleep, I am thinking about…

You and our trip to Disney World or the day that you were born.  Or the day that I found out that I was pregnant with you and then I told your daddy and he didn’t talk to me for three days. 

I know that you would say…

I love you, Mommy.  Will you snuggle with me then you will fall right to sleep. 

Next time I can’t sleep I am going to…

Try to relax and watch some TV it is a great distraction for my mind that travels at a million miles a minute. 

Watching you go…

Watching you go was…

The hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  I was pushing you like I always have.  I was surprisingly strong and calm.  Seeing you that morning sitting all hunched over at the head of your bed was the scariest sight that I have ever seen.  Knowing in the back of my head that this could be the last time that you are ever in this house scared me.  Trying to save you when you were already gone.  Giving you CPR when it wasn’t going to help and not knowing what to do to help you was very scary. 

I wanted to say…

I wanted to make sure that you know how much I love you and how much you have meant to me.  I could not have had a better little girl.  You make my life so very wonderful.  Your smile could light up a room and make me smile just knowing that you were close to me.  I have never felt so very whole, being your mommy was the greatest gift ever.  I love you more than anything in this whole world. 

I wanted you to say…

I love you, Mommy!

At the time I felt…

Helplessness

Now I feel…

Lost without you.

When I heard you were gone, I…

Cried and cried and cried and cried…

I felt…

Lost, sadness, alone…

Worry List

My mind is so full of worries I sometimes think I must be going crazy.

Here’s what I need help through…

I need help through every day

I need help making sure that time doesn’t stand still and making sure that I have enough to fill my days.

The Memorial Service

The funeral/memorial service was today.

Things turned out beautiful although that is the only way that things could have turned out for you.  People that love you very much surrounded us and beautiful things were said about you.  Before the service your daddy and I stood very close to you and just stared and you.  You looked like you were sleeping.  I kissed you more times than I can count and I felt at peace standing next to you and I knew that if I was at peace then you were too.  It seemed as though time stood still.

The most important thing about it for me was…

That your grandparents all of them were there and able to be with us.  It was also important that Meagan was here with us. 

I Miss You

I miss the way we…

Snuggled at night in your bed before we both fell asleep.  I miss the way we always did little things together like doing the laundry you put in the soap and the fabric softner and then helped me start the washing machine then when it was time to put all of the stuff in the dryer you were right there helping with that too.  Putting in the dryer sheet and making sure that all the clothes went in the dryer too.  I miss you helping me with dinner at night helping me to make the decision as to what to have for dinner.  I miss you coming up and out of nowhere giving me a hug and telling me that you love me.  I miss the smile on your face when a song would come on the radio that you knew and then listening to you sing the songs.  I miss watching you sing on your Karaoke machine and watching you dance around the room while you were singing.  I miss watching you snuggle with your daddy.  I miss the way that you always went and grabbed your blanket and then crawled into your daddy’s lap.  I miss tucking in your daddy with you at night then you and I having our private time.  I miss taking you to school and then when I came and picked you up the excitement that you would have in telling me about your day.  I miss our Saturday mornings snuggling in Mommy and Daddy’s bed watching cartoons.  I miss you helping mommy by telling Daddy that it is time for dinner.  I miss playing polly pockets and Barbie’s with you.  I miss you playing in the pool with your Daddy.  I miss you chasing Lobo around the house to get his ball and I know that he misses it too!

I miss being with you when we…

Go shopping, cook dinner, make cookies, finished the kitchen, plant flowers in the yard, work in the yard, play X-Box, play with Lobo

It will help me feel better if I…

Take time for myself and spend time doing things that I know that you loved to do.  If I take the time to make sure that the things that were important to you become a reality like the Beads of Courage program and making sure that I write your book!  Take time to come out to visit you at the cemetery!

I visited your grave today…

We took out flowers and cut the grass and cleaned up for you to make your site look nice.  It looks like you with all of the things that we have done for you.  You have a butterfly trellis and some cars and a little jewelry box and of course Spongebob.  We have it decorated like you did your room.  Making a statement that you were here and you are a beautiful little girl with many loves!

I felt…

Sad, and I found today that I am still so very proud of you, you still have a force around you that still draws people to you.  Today when we were standing beside you a older couple came up and started talking to us and made several comments about how you are so very loved.  It made me miss you even more and made me wish that you were here so that you could affect more peoples lives just the way that you always have.  I know that you still do but it isn’t the same.  I miss giving you hugs and kisses and telling you how much I love you and spending time with you.  I always feel so very peaceful when I am out at the cemetery with you.  I feel you touching me and letting me know that you are there with a breeze or a small rain shower or even with a laugh from your Daddy when he does something goofy!  But I guess that is just who your Daddy is!

Trust

I am finding it hard to trust anyone right now…especially myself.

You would say…

Mommy you need not worry nothing is going to happen and everything is going to be okay because I said so.  You are a great Mommy and I am glad that you are mine.  Mommy you don’t have to trust anyone just know that you are the best you take care of me better than anyone can and you have always done for me before you have done for yourself.  I love you mommy!

Remembering

This is a sad, happy, confusing day for me.

I am remembering where I was when I heard the news…

I was at the St. Francis West Hospital in the ER with you when I found out.

The first thing I did was…

Rush from the chair that I was sitting in over to you and pick you up.  That was the worst and most helpless feeling that I have ever had.  I knew that there was nothing else that I could do to save you and I blamed myself. 

The hardest thing for me today is…

Knowing that in this moment of your death would be the last time that I would hold you in my arms and be able to kiss you.  And feel your sweet soft hair run though my fingers, and be able to hold your little hand in mine.  To know that you were no longer my baby and now that you are somebody else’s baby (You will ALWAYS be my baby!!!!!).

Here’s how my head feels… 

I get frequent headaches. My head is a jumble of different thoughts about you and all the things that we have done together and all of the things that I will miss out on being able to see you do.  Like getting married, having your first date, having your first boyfriend, having your first kiss, becoming a young woman…

My heart feels…

Broken, sad, empty, like a huge chunk has been taken out and left in the dirt

Here’s what I am going to do to remember you today…

I am going to play with Lobo, give you a kiss before bed like I always do and tell you “good night sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite” tell you how much I love you and miss you

Sick Inside

The sadness makes me physically ill sometimes.  I feel…

Lost without you, I feel as though I have not purpose, I feel like crying and crying,  I feel like I need a hug! (one of those special hugs that only Alyssa can give)

It goes away when…

I am active, when I spend time with your Daddy, when I think of you and see a picture of you or video that we have taken. 

I worry that…

Something is going to happen to someone else I love.  I worry that I won’t be able to save that someone.  I worry that I will be alone.  I worry that I will forget you.  I worry that I can’t make the world a better place in some small way. 

Sometimes the pain is so great I…

Feel like I can’t do a thing.  Like I should just go back to bed and the pain will go away.  Don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

To make me feel better I am going to…

Take more walks, take time for myself, spend as much time as I can with the ones that I love, take the time to come out to visit you and spend time out there with you talking to you and telling you as much as I can, make a difference in the things that I can change, make your projects and passions a reality.

Guilt

I can’t seem to stop feeling guilty.

Here’s what I am feeling…

I am feeling that I didn’t do enough for you.  That I could have saved you if I would have given you more time and energy that night.  If I would have stayed awake instead of going back to sleep. 

Here’s what you would say to me…

Mommy, you went to sleep that night because I didn’t want you to hurt.  You loved me so much that you would have done anything to make me okay.  God told me that it was time to go and be a butterfly and I trusted him and I took his hand and we watched you sleep.  You were so peaceful and I wanted to make sure that you couldn’t do anything to try to save me because I really wanted to be a butterfly.  I am always with you in your heart and in your soul and I will never leave.  There will always be butterflies in the yard and know that I am there making sure that you and Daddy are okay!  I love you very much and you did everything that you could to save me!  You gave me the best life and the most love that you could!

Roller Coaster

Lately, I feel like I ‘m on a roller coaster.  My emotions are all over the place.  Here’s where I am on the ride…

I feel like I have no control of my life and things are spiraling out of control.

I believe one day I’ll be safe again, back on solid ground.

Frustrations

Some days I get so frustrated I want to scream, punch pillows, and break things.  I never knew I had the capacity to get so angry.  Looking back, I can hardly believe what I did.

The only person I want to talk to about my feelings is you.

You would say…

I love you mommy and everything is going to be okay.

Miserable today

Why bother getting out of bed in the morning?  I don’t want to see anyone.  I don’t want to do anything.

I feel…

I know I must…

To get though this day I will…

Hiding

I want to hide away from the world.  I don’t like going out.  I feel like I’ll scare people away.  No one knows how to be with me right now.  I keep thinking they expect me to break down and cry.

You would say…

Mommy hiding is not going to make things better go out and show the world that you still have a lot of fight in you.  And you are doing it for me.

First Steps

Made It…

I made it through another day.  I hated nearly every minute, but I did it.  Tomorrow is another day.  I am not looking forward to it either, but somehow I will get through.  I can’t wait till I don’t feel this way anymore.  I want to be excited about my days.

Here’s what you would say to me…

There is always something exciting that happens everyday even if it is small.  There is always something in the day that should make you happy or at least give a small smile.  Look at me I went through so much and I still found things to smile about even if it was only my mommy and daddy giving me a hug or a kiss.  There was always something to smile about. 

Celebration

I get angry when I see people in the world who are still alive, when you aren’t!  But then I remember I must celebrate the people who are still around me.

I must make sure I have no unfinished business with anyone.  Life is too short to be little.

I must call…

Rebecca, Hannah, Cole, your Grandpa, Nana, Miss Patty, Your daddy

I must write…

To all of the people in my address book that I have e-mail addresses for.

I must visit…

Aunt Kristina and Logan and Auntie Cris

I must touch…

Your daddy and make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses enough for the both of us

I love you!

I love you!!!

I love the way you…

Smile, laugh, hug, kiss, always show your emotions by your facial expressions, never give up, make people gravitate toward you, always let people know how you are feeling, make me smile and laugh, and enjoy every day, never let things get you down

I love the way we…

Always found the time to spend time together, baked, played in your room, watched TV together, always had fun doing crafts together

I loved it when we…

Went to the beach, laughed about nothing, sang songs together, talked about everything and nothing

I will always remember how you…

Could always make me laugh and smile

It’s hard for me to be without you when I…

Go out to the stores and I see other mommies with their children laughing and smiling

Here’s what I am going to do to show my love for you…

I am going to make a trip out to see you as often as I can and bring you flowers, I am going to try to start the Beads of Courage Program in as many hospitals as I can, I am going to write the book that you asked me to write about your journey in life.

Where are you now?

I wonder where you are now.  I think you are…

In a beautiful field of flowers with butterflies all over, running and playing like you weren’t able to do here on earth for the last several years.

Surrender.

When I let go, I feel…

sad

If I had gone first

I keep wondering how you would have been if I had died first.  What sort of funeral would you have given me?

I think that you would have placed as much love into my funeral as we put into yours, making sure that everyone knew what kind of person I was.

What would you have said about me?

She was my mommy and I love her very much

How would you be now?

Sad but still finding ways to carry on my spirit

Special

It’s hard for me to deal with the things that you left behind.

I want to keep track of who has what.

As a memento, I would like to save…

Treasures

And give away…

Screaming days

Some days I feel like screaming.  Today is one of them.

It’s because…

When you were upset, you used to…

Come and crawl into my lap and want me to rock with you until you felt better, I would rub your back and kiss you on the head and you would start to feel better

When I am done screaming, I am going to…

Mean Thoughts

I am really angry at you for leaving me…

I have not been angry at all for you for leaving me.  I know that you weren’t as healthy and happy as you could be here with me and now you are healthy and happy

Guess What!

When something exciting happens, you are the first person I want to tell.

Here’s what has just happened…

I have gotten the Beads of Courage Program started in your name at Tripler.

This is what you would say to me…

Mommy I think that is great!

I feel you

I keep wishing you would give me a sign to show me you are around sometimes.

I think you are near when…

I am playing with the dogs, or when I walk into your room, and when I am sleeping and just about every other moment in the day

Special Treats

I miss our special treats.

Today I’ll treat myself.

You would have wanted me to…

Go and have a pedicure and for you to have a manicure!  And to take your daddy with us!

Dreaming of you

I would like to dream about you.

In my dream, we would…

Play together in a field of flowers and talk about all of the things that we didn’t have a chance to.

I would say…

Alyssa I love you so much and I miss you more than words can say.

You would say…

Mommy, I love you too and I miss you too!

Sayings

I remember what you used to say to me…

At night when we were tucking your daddy into bed, you would tell me that I only got one kiss and you got the rest.  And you would tell us that you had run out of kisses and you have to wait for the kisses fairy to come and give you more.

And what you used to say to…

Your daddy, you would tell him “goodnight sleep tight don’t let the mommy bugs bite”

I find myself saying…

Goodnight sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite to Lobo at night when I tuck him in under his blanket.

Here’s what I know you would say to me now…

Mommy I love you and I wish that I could give you a hug

Songs

Your favorite song was…

I don’t think that you had a favorite song you loved Elvis songs, your Lilo and Stitch soundtrack, Strawberry Shortcake songs,  Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson , and most other types of music and you loved the ones that you knew the words to and you would sing them in the car or around the house to me and I used to love that so much.

We used to sing…

Your princess songs, Breakaway

When you sang I felt…

So happy and proud of you that you weren’t afraid to express yourself with song

Here are some of your other favorite songs…

Swallowing my memories

I remember what fun we used to have when we went out for a meal together.

You used to love…

To have your daddy as your date you would hold his hand and he would open the doors for you and then when we were seated you would sit right beside your daddy and love on him.  And to go to Outback Steakhouse

Sometimes it seems very hard to want to be happy now that we can’t go out together.  Right now I would like to…

Go to Outback Steakhouse with you and be able to do the word search with you

I loved when you cooked…

Chocolate chip cookies that was your specialty

Recipe for…

Forever food!

When I eat Oreo Cookies I think of you.

When I drink Iced Tea I remember you.

I remember my favorite meal with you…

Was always going out to Outback Steakhouse and watching you eat the bread and then not be able to eat your chicken strips when they would come and you would always not eat for hours before when you knew we were going to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

I am going to remember you by…

Going to Outback Steakhouse at least once a year.  I will try to go on your birthday.

Getting better

I feel sad today.  I know one quick way to feel better is to help someone else.

Today I will…

I remember how you used to …

In your memory I want to…

Start an Alyssa Garden and I want to get the Beads of Courage Program started at as many hospitals as I can.

Please tell me what else I can do for others…