Rough days....

Dear Alyssa,

As you know rough days come and go...they come along and take you by surprise...they eat you up and spit you out...they are those days where you don't want to get out of bed, the days where you get up out of bed and sometimes wonder if you should have gotten out of bed at all...I hate those days, the ones that sneak up on you and grab a hold pulling you into some sort of vortex that you can't seem to pull out of...then in that moment when I think things could get worse I see your little face out of the corner of my eye, or hear your little voice in the breezes telling me mommy you can make it through today...you can make it through this...thinking of you!

Every time that life throws in a curve ball it always sends me spinning...it makes me wonder if I can make it through any more...and I wonder if I have made it through...I wonder if my number keeps being called because I am brave or I am just too stupid to turn away and say no more...then I think of you.

I look up at the clouds...remember like we used to when we wanted to be transported somewhere else...I see little pictures in the clouds...I see you your creativity...I hear your laughter...I feel your hand in mine...I see your little hand flying up....and your little voice asking mommy do you see it...are you here with me...thinking of you!

Today was a rough day...I got a glimpse of what it must have felt like for our families not being able to be here and feeling helpless...do you know how helpless I feel right now...do you know how badly I wish I could fix it all...make life better for everyone...find that peace...is there peace...is there a cure...always thinking of you! 

I love you peanut, shortie, bratnose...miss our little chats...do you hear it when I talk to you...do you know you never leave my thoughts...do you know that you are forever mine..that you are my sunshine...thinking of you!

Rough days will come and go...I know that you are always near...cheering me on telling me that it isn't so bad, even though in the moment it feels horrible...you are truly brave!!!

...THINKING OF YOU!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!!

Love always,

Mommy

#curechildhoodcancer #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth #kidsgetcancertoo

8 years

Dear Alyssa,

Seems like an eternity since I last held you in my arms, saw your sweet face, hugged you or told you in person I love you. It is hard to be without you...

Although I have been told "at least it has only been 8 years....at least she is in a better place....at least you had 7 years with her."  Well I hate to tell you but 8 years is way too long!!! What better place could you be than with your mommy and daddy who love you!!! 7 years was not long enough,  I want to ask them why don't you try only having your baby for 7 years. 

8 years it has been since I saw your sweet face...I miss you so much! Some people don't know how lucky they are to be able to watch their babies grow up and take on the world. I wish I could see you take on the world...I could see it my beautiful little girl taking on the world and winning making a difference. You would be one of these kids making research for childhood cancer a priority! I miss your spunk and attitude taken too soon from this world.

I love you my spunky little red-headed purple angel! I will love you forever and always! I love and miss you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always, 

Mommy!

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I have tried!

I miss your sweet face, I miss your sweet smile, I miss your wonderful laugh, I miss our snuggle time, I miss watching you grow up, I miss watching you learn, I miss listening to your stories about your day, I miss watching you sing and dance, I miss your hugs and kisses, I miss you telling me I love you Mommy, I miss cooking and baking with you, I miss our mommy daughter days, I miss our outings......

I JUST REALLY MISS YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU Alyssa Bailey Miller!!! More than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! I will see you soon and always in my dreams!!!!

#anotheryearwithoutalyssa

#gonetosoon

#curechildhoodcancer 

Quiet reflection

Dear Alyssa,
I love days like this where I am the only person out here visiting.  Surrounded by wild life a few cats, plenty of birds and the sound of quiet. It gives me a chance to clear my head. No phones ringing, no where to run to in a hurry, the sun shinning down on me through the clouds and the beauty that surrounds me ....it is so peaceful. I take the time to put pretty flowers in your vases and to enjoy some of the beauty in time to go and get stuck in traffic to head back to our house but I am truly thankful for the time that I am able to spend with you.  It is the same peace I used to feel as I sat next to you while you slept. There is nothing like watching the peaceful sleep that comes over a child, no worries, no troubles...I wish that was what you were blessed with.

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!

Love,

Mommy!!!

Saying goodbye, jealousy

Dear Alyssa,
As I am sure you know I had to say goodbye to another friend today. Sweet, loving, blessed sister Meri. I have to say I am a little jealous of her because I know she has found her way to you and that you are celebrating her arrival in a heavenly celebration. 

I know that you have welcomed her and I am a little jealous she gets to spend time with you.  I know how eager she was to meet you.  She loves children and I know she is running and playing with you. I love you sweet angel! I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! And miss you just as much!!

Love always,
Mommy

Lost...

Have you ever felt lost...like you are the only one in a journey even though you are surrounded by people? Have you ever felt like there was no happiness there was no way out? I have had many days like this over the years. I know that I am never alone that I am always a phone call away from friends or family that want to help. But do they really understand? Do they understand the pain of waking up every morning knowing that your smiling face will not be there to greet the day.  Do they understand when I have that distant look in my eyes and they ask "are you okay?" when my answer is "I'm fine"  I am not really fine.

When I reach that time when all I really want or need is a hug...maybe that will make me feel better! Even if only for a minute!!!

Or had that moment when you are jealous of the mother and her child walking through the store together...looking at all the stuff in the store and having fun!!! 

There is nothing like being lost...it is like a rainbow without color, or a flower without a beautiful fragrance, or love without anyone to share it with, or a mother with out a child...

So until I can see you again I am going to hug you in my dreams!

And Celebrate the things I do have!!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! And miss you so much!!! I hope that I find what I have lost and remember the things that will carry me on until we see each other again!!!  I will see you soon my angel!!!

Love always,

Mommy

The Brave Little Soul

The Brave Little Soul

By John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?' God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad for the suffering you see unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed.  I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone.  They are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity." Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go into the world and suffer so I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these soul are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, " Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. ~

10 years

DEAR ALYSSA~

10 years ago...February 21, 2004...our lives changed...the words came, never wanted, never needed, never thought that it could happen to us...we were thrust into a world where nothing makes sense...it all changed when the words "Alyssa has cancer" were said...before those words we were not cancer parents...we were not experts in Alyssa's type of cancer...we were not nurse, caregiver, over tired, overwhelmed, crazy (ok maybe we were)...over night we became cancer parents, educated in Wilm's Tumor, the proper way to flush a Hickman catheter, the names of types of chemo and what their side effects were and the best way to break this horrible news to your five year old. NEWS FLASH...there is no proper way to tell your five year

old that she has cancer and the medicines that she has to be given to get rid of it is going to make it so she can't be normal and go to school like all the other 5 year olds, she is going to lose her beautiful red hair to this horrible treatment, that the medicines are going to make her sick in order to make her better, that she is going to spend a lot of time in the hospital...but through it all that little beautiful 5 year old red head becomes so strong, continues on when it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, and only wants to be able to go and play...before all of that we were just a normal family who did normal every day things.

Life for us will never be the same and will never be normal again..I could be bitter, hateful, mean, pissed off...but instead I am thankful for the memories that I was able to experience because of all that we went through, for the many friends that we made, for finding out who my true friends and family are, to have so many surround us with love, affection, and encouragement. I am also thankful for you, for the time that I was able to spend with you be it carrying on a conversation about the latest episode of Spongebob or what your favorite toy or music was or talking to you while you slept, sitting watching tv or painting your nails, reading books to you while you were in a medically induced coma. I am thankful for the opportunity to watch you make those around you smile even though your little body was going through hell, watching you be a caring, sweet, loving, charismatic person and knowing that I had a hand in making you the person you were. I love knowing how much you loved your doggies, your classmates (when you were able to go to school for the first time), your mommy, your daddy, your friends, all of your cousins, aunties and uncles. I love knowing that not only was I there when you came into this world but I was also there when you left it, I love knowing that beautiful giggle that I still hear when I look at a picture of you laughing, I love that I was able to watch you learn, that I was there for you every time you fell down and able to help you up dust you off and sooth away the tears. I love that I was there to watch you crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, watch you discover your bathroom had been painted in butterflies and experience the excitement that you expressed, I love that I was there to watch you see your purple carpet in your room for the first time and I love that I was there with you to make sure that you received the best care possible, I love that I was able to spend everyday with you making sure you were never alone. I love that you always loved snuggling with your

daddy and I love that when you weren't feeling good the only person you wanted was mommy. I love that you enjoyed baking cookies with mommy and working on computers and on cars with daddy. I love that you would get so involved with helping your daddy you would pull out your tools and dive right in, I love that for you there was no distinction between mommy chores and daddy chores and that you just dove in and helped out. I love your imagination, watching you play with your babies or barbies,  I love that I was there to watch you snuggle with your daddy or have you crawl in our bed on a Saturday morning just so that you could snuggle with

both of us. I loved watching you sing Karaoke or just sing to the radio in your room. I loved watching you dance along to the music, you had such a great rhythm, I loved watching you dance because you never cared who was watching you and would dance regardless of what music was playing, I love that you loved Elvis' music! I love that you had a passion for purses and organizing them, I love that you had such a knack for putting your toys away and playing with your doggies! I love that all animals loved you and that you had such a want to save them all. But most of all I love that I was able to be your mommy!!!

I am always asked why are you so strong? Where did you find the strength to make it through all that you made it through with your daughter? But the answer is always very simple!!! The answer is you!!  My sweet little Alyssa you have always been my strength!!! Without you or the support of your daddy I don't believe we would have made it through. You are incredible and I am just glad I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!! Now though I have the hardest job of all the job of being a mommy without her baby to mother!

My hope is that one day soon we will have a cure for cancer and that no more children will be taken from us because of cancer.

I love you Alyssa more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!  And miss you so very much!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

Hug your children a little tighter!!! Make the time to spend with them!!! Make them feel special!!!! And above all make sure they know how much you love them!!!

Night

Dear Alyssa,

What is it with night time. Some nights are okay I can fall asleep without any trouble. Other nights I lay down in bed wide awake for hours, waiting for sleep to come.  Some nights when sleep comes I have a dreamless sleep and other nights I have horrible dreams, dreams that relive some of the worst days and moments any mother could ever experience. Then there are the wonderful nights where the dreams are fantastic, they include you.  You are happy,  healthy and showing me something new or showing me something beautiful. I love those nights...those are the nights that show me that you and I are connected,  you are still a part of my everyday, my every moment. It is just as precious to me as the moments that I was able to share with you in your all too brief time here in our arms. If I were to ask you for anything it would be to have more of those nights where I have dreams of you happy, healthy and showing me something new or even the same things just so long as the dreams are good and with you in them. I miss u so much and I love you more than all of the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity. I will see you in my dreams angel.
Love always,
Mommy

One of Alyssa's Favorite books!

I posted this a few years ago on my Facebook page and thought that I would share it here!!! Everyone should like themselves!!!

Cleaning Alyssa's bookshelf...

So today I was cleaning and I was dusting off all of the books that were Alyssa's and I came across the one that we read when she lost her hair and I thought that I would share what it says with all of you!  Because I think that everyone should like themselves!!!!

The title of the book is " I like MYSELF!" By Karen Beaumont

The book goes like this...

I LIKE MYSELF!

 I'm glad I'm me. There's no one else I'd rather be.

I like my eyes, my ears, my nose. I like my fingers and my toes.

I like me wild. I like me tame. I like me different and the same

.
I like me fast. I like me slow. I like me everywhere I go.

I like me on the inside, too, for all I think and say and do.

Inside, outside, upside down, from head to toe and all around, I like it all! It all is me! And me is all I want to be.

And I don't care in anyway what someone else may think or say.

I may be called a silly nut or crazy cuckoo bird - so what? I'm having too much fun, you see, for anything to bother me!

Even when I look a mess, I still don't like me any less, 'cause nothing in this world, you know, can change what's deep inside, and so...

No matter if they stop and stare,

no person

ever

anywhere

can make me feel that what they see is all there really is to me.

I'd STILL like me with fleas or warts, or with a silly snout that snorts,

or knobby knees or hippo hips or purple polka-dotted lips,

or beaver breath or stinky toes or horns protruding from my nose,

or - yikes! - with spikes all down my spine, or hair that's like a porcupine.  I would be the same, you see...

I like myself because I'm ME!!!"

I hope you all enjoy it!!!!

Happy Birthday Alyssa!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Happy Birthday Dear Alyssa!!!

Happy Birthday To You!!!

Dear Alyssa,

Wow you would have been 15 years old today. It is hard to believe it seems like just yesterday you were placed in my arms for the first time. Looking down into that sweet little face. I knew then that I had never felt a love like that and it made me love your daddy even more.

This day always hits me hard.  I miss our little traditions in celebration of your birthday!!! But the memories flood back to me! I am thankful for the memories that we created together and thankful that Although I only got to celebrate 7 years with you that I was given the opportunity to be your mommy!!!!

In honor of your birthday I put together just a few of the memories and a little bit of our tradition!!!  Geez I wish I would have taken more pictures!!!

In order to celebrate we just need a few things!!!!

We need to call all your friends

Bake a cake

And don't forget the icing!!!

Put on your party dress!!

And your make up!!!

What is a party without presents?!?!

Need lots of EXCITEMENT!!!

And plenty of cake!!!

Maybe just a little more cake!!!

Time to Open the presents!!!

Blow out the candles!!!

Eat a little cake with friends!!!

And of course CELEBRATE YOU!!!!

Happy Birthday Purple Princess Angel Alyssa!!!  I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! And I miss you just as much!!!!

Happy Birthday from the Earth to the Heavens!!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!

Kindness

Dear Alyssa,
I came to visit you today like I do most Fridays and I get to your little piece of paradise and there are flowers (fake) and confetti on your headstone.

I am always amazed at the kindness expressed by the people that visit the cemetery.  Not only are you surrounded by the most generous people on this planet, United States Veterans, who give of themselves by writing a blank check to the United States putting their lives on the line for everyone's freedom, you are also surrounded by the loved ones of those Veterans. Although it is never expected and I don't always know who leaves the little things that you would have loved like butterflies, flowers and of course the confetti which always makes me smile. 

It still surprises me that people take the time to do little things for you and that you are still attracting people to you, guess it is that "Alyssa Gravity" still attracting people too you.  It warms my heart to know that you are continuing to touch people the way you did when you were here with us.

I love you more that all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity. 

Love always,
Mommy

P.S. I want to thank all the veterans that have sacrificed themselves for us to be free...I would also like to thank whomever continues to bring the little smiles to a mommy that comes to visit her baby...I would also like to say thank you to all those that continue to share Alyssa's story, it warms my heart to know after 7 years people still think of her and want to tell her story.