Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by how many children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart" - Franchesca Cox

Dear Alyssa,

So today was Mother's Day, the seventh without you, the day that Moms are supposed to be able to spend time with their children. I missed you!  I know you were here with me in some way but I will always miss you waking me up and telling me that you love me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. 

Did spend some time visiting you on Friday and it was so nice except for the rain.  Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to tell me something when you decide to rain on me while I am there.  It cleared up the whole time that I was out there and I was getting ready to leave and then watched a wall of rain coming toward me.  It was pretty amazing to watch.

I love you angel and wish that we could have spent more time together. I miss our beauty days that we used to have for Mother's Day too was thinking about that today and the last time that we were able to go before you relapsed.  It makes me smile to remember you picking out the color that you were going to use on your toes and another color on your fingers.  You must have picked out about 5 different colors of purple and then a couple of pink.  You finally decided on a purple for your toes and then a pink for your fingernails.  Watching you sit in the chair with your little feet in the foot bath and then how delighted you were when you saw them paint a butterfly on your toe.  It is one of those moments that always makes me smile.  I cherish those memories especially the ones that are Mother Daughter moments.

I am so glad that I was given seven years with you I will always wish for more but the truth is that I know how lucky I am to have had even seven years.  I know how many other moms don't get to spend even one with their little one. The memories that I have I will treasure for a lifetime. 

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies that don't get to spend their Mother's Day with their babies.  

Facing Nightmares

Facing the things of my nightmares. So today I got a phone call from your Nana and she told me that she got her mother's day gift which she loved partly because the little girl looked like you. She also told me about a little boy that was diagnosed with Wilm's Tumor.  It was flashbacks all over again.  It is hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we heard those horrible words "Alyssa has cancer it is Wilm's Tumor" it does seem like it was just yesterday.  I remember standing in the emergency room hearing those horrible words.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to not hear those words to not know about childhood had cancer to not have first hand knowledge about what it  is to watch your child fight for their life.

The dream...the wish...the hope that it can happen...

To have a world where there was no cancer...to have a world where children can be children...to have a world where doing homework is the toughest thing a child has to do or worry about... to have a world where the only thing to worry about is what to have for dinner..to have a world where the hardest decision to be made is which friend's house you will be spending your weekend...

If only the nightmares would be replaced with these wonderful dreams but then the reality hits...

The world that we live in is one where we have to worry about cancer...not just cancer but cancer in our babies...the world we live in there are some children who can't be children...they have more to  worry about than when they will be able to go and play...can't just worry about getting their homework done...can't just worry about what dinner will be...our children have to face the nightmares of fighting for their lives and we as parents have to sit by and hope that we are making the right decisions for the care of our babies...we as parents have to worry that the decision that we have made regarding what treatment route we took and if it was the right one...it isn't fair...then we have to face that horrible nightmare that comes when treatment is not enough when that little angel that you have been fighting for is taken from you...then comes the nightmare of making decisions about what casket you are going to choose or are you going to cremate your baby and scatter their ashes somewhere or are you going to leave them in an urn on a shelf in your home. It is a real nightmare making plans for a funeral that you were never supposed to have to plan...you are supposed to go first...

As mother's day approaches I wonder how many mothers will be glad that they have the opportunity to spend time with their little ones.  Will people remember that it doesn't matter how many children you see, there are mothers that can only hold their children in their hearts.

Dear Alyssa,

This Sunday is Mother's Day the 7th that I will be spending without you. The last Mother's Day that we spent together was spent in the hospital.  I was sitting beside your hospital bed watching over you waiting for the moment that you would open your eyes and tell me that you loved me.  I sat in that PICU hoping for a miracle or two hoping that things would change for you...what mother's day would be complete without worrying about your little one.  I wanted to be with you isn't that what Mother's day is supposed to be all about? Sitting in a chair beside a hospital bed, taking a break or two to go and eat or shower and maybe get a little sleep.  Wishing with all of your might that I could take the place of my sweet little angel.

The love that I have for you crosses time and space, it crosses the barrier between heaven and earth, it is the one thing that I know deep in my heart and soul will never fade or dull...It will always be there for me keeping me going making me want to succeed. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be your mommy.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy

Missing You

Dear Alyssa,

Yet another birthday has come and gone for you this one was one of the hardest that I have ever had to celebrate (7 here 7 gone).  Lucky for me I had your Nana and Papaw here to help me celebrate.  Nana and I went out to the cemetery to visit you and take you some party! We brought out confetti and now your little spot sparkles like the sun.  Very fitting for my little sunshine.  We also had dinner at Outback Steakhouse your favorite restaurant. It was good but would have been better if you were there with us.  Can't believe that you would have been 14 years old and it is even harder for me to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been able to celebrate a birthday with you.  We sure did love celebrating birthdays didn't we.  I miss baking cakes with you, I wonder if you would still want to do that with me? I miss being able to do our special thing together always your choice and normally it was going and getting our nails done. Either me doing it for you in the hospital or us going to a nail place and getting them done there.  We had a lot of fun.  I miss our girly days hanging out and having fun. I also miss seeing you hang out with your daddy. I wonder if you would still enjoy that, I guess by now it would be a little un-cool to hang out with your parents huh? I hate that I can't go into your room in the mornings kiss you on the forehead and tell you "Good Morning Sunshine time to rise and shine". I hate that there are parents out there that don't appreciate what they have in their child and the opportunity that they have to make a difference in a little person's life and that they don't see that they need to raise their children to be wonderful self sufficient humans capable of making a difference in the lives of others, helping them to become functioning members of society.  You my beautiful little angel I know would have been one hell of an adult. Making an major difference in other people's lives.  Your caring spirit and loving ways changed everyone that you came in contact with and I am proud that I had even  little bit to do with that.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!  Miss you more than all the grains of sand on the beaches and beneath the waves times infinity.  All my love my beautiful angel!  I hope you had a Happy Birthday!!!

Here is my Birthday wish to you that I posted on your Facebook page:

I think of you daily but never more than on the day you were born. I am so thankful that I was given the opportunity to be your mommy. You changed me made me realize what true love is, made me understand what my purpose in life should be and what giving of one's self truly means. You showed me how to be a better person to care more for others than for myself and to always try to be conscious of the way I treat others. On this day of your birth although I only had seven to spend with u and the last seven without you I am thankful for the reminders of the celebrations we had with u, although never huge they were and always will be filled with love. I can't help but wonder what u would be like in your 14 years but unfortunately that is something I will never be able to find out. You are loved, you are remembered, you are missed incredibly. I love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity. Happy Birthday my beautiful angel! I will see u soon if only in my dreams.


Thinking and dreaming of you always and loving you until the end of time!

Love you forever,
Mommy!

DREAMS

A beautiful red headed little girl wakes up on Christmas morning and runs to the living room excited to see what Santa Claus has brought for her. Her mommy and daddy watch the excitement on her face as she turns to look at them. "When can I open my presents and help u to open yours?" she asks excitedly. Her daddy smiles at her and tells her "in a moment". The little girl runs to her daddy in excitement and gives him a big hug telling him she loves him and give him a big kiss on his cheek. He smiles down at her and tells her "now u may open your gifts". She opens one gift at a time and with each she has a smile on her face and a few giggles. She helps her mommy and daddy open their gifts and is excited to well them anoit the gifts that she picked out or made.

As beautiful as it is all of a sudden it is all gone the beautiful red headed little girl the Christmas tree and the joy that was experienced and I awaken remembering it is only just a dream. Because it has been 7 years since this was the scene in our house. 7 years since we had that hug and kiss from our little girl. 7 years since celebrating Christmas was a happy occasion all done up with lights on the house and a Christmas tree in the living room decorated with care by a little girl, her mommy and her daddy.
 
Dear sweet Alyssa,
We miss and love u so very much. We know that although u r not here in person u are always here in person. We hope that u r celebrating this Christmas in style with all of your friends that have left this world all too soon and with your family that have gone too. MERRY CHRISTMAS ANGEL! We love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.
Love always,
Your Mommy

Saying Goodbye

Saturday, September 23, 2006, the day that each parent dreads and hopes never happens to them, the day that I never thought would happen to us...

6 years ago we were making preparations for saying goodbye to you. Welcoming family from out of town into our home, not the way we ever thought that we would have the whole here in Hawaii together (at least your grandparents) I was hoping for a happy occasion, like a wedding or a graduation or I would have settled for a NO MORE CANCER party, but no it was because we had to say goodbye to you our baby, our little girl.  We were making sure that we honored you the way we were supposed to (decorating a church purple if we had to), going and visiting cemeteries, picking out a casket, putting as much thought and care into your memorial service as possible.  That was not where we were supposed to be!!!!  STUPID CANCER!!!!  We were so fortunate to have so many of our ohana helping us making sure that we did not want for anything besides you.  The one person we wanted more than anyone else.

How are you supposed to say goodbye to your baby? How are you supposed to make funeral arrangements for a 7 year old? It wasn't right...this had to be a dream...why us?  Why was it that we happened to be that family the one that you turn to and say you are sorry...then turn away from them and look to someone for guidance on what to say or do?  Why were we that family that people distanced themselves from because they didn't know what to say or do around us?  When in reality there was nothing that they could say to make any of it better or change the fact that we had lost our baby. How did we end up those poor people instead of mommy and daddy or just Marv and Maude?

Then the questions come are we still considered a family or are we just two people who are married?  Are we still considered Mommy and Daddy even though our baby is not here?  How was this going to change our relationship as husband and wife?  Were we going to drift our own ways and not even be a couple anymore?  Were we still going to be those determined people who fight for their baby even though she isn't here? Fight for a cause that took her innocence and took her from us?  Was it time to give up????  Does anyone really want to talk to those people?  Those people the ones who only talk about the child that they lost?  How long is too long to grieve?  Is grief ever done?????

DOES ANY ONE REALLY HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS????

We were THOSE PEOPLE now, those people who are a Mommy and a Daddy with no child to be an active Mommy and Daddy to, those people who you ask well how many kids do you have? The answer is one. Then always comes the next question where is she/he? The answer for that one in Heaven.  And then you get that look and a oh wow I am so SORRY!!!!  Well yeah me too!!!!  So now the question is how do we go from THOSE POOR PEOPLE to Marv and Maude again?  Is it possible????

We didn't have the answer then!  But the answer 6 years later is no it is not possible to be just the way we were before...it is not possible to be just a Mommy and a Daddy now...it is however possible to be an advocate for children who are facing CANCER, it is possible to be a Mommy or Daddy to an angel and make a difference in her name without screaming from the top of your lungs that your daughter was stolen from you by cancer.  It is possible to be a good person, grieve the loss of your loved one by making that grief into something positive, by making sure that no other parent has to hear the words "YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER" or "I AM SORRY THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT WE CAN DO".

We know now it is not possible to change the past but it is possible to change the future, it is possible to make sure that no other child is lost and no other family has to make funeral arrangements for their baby.  Making life better for another was now the goal, making sure other families have the support that they need.  The goal was to change the things that stood in our way or move them if there was no way to change them, and change those things that so many people said "YOU CAN'T CHANGE" to be the person who makes a difference....

Dear Alyssa,

Last week was not only the anniversary of you getting your angel wings but it was also the Honolulu CureSearch Walk.  I hope that you are proud of the way that things turned out.  Thank you for the Hawaiian Blessing that came at the beginning of the walk.  Always trying to make your presence known.  :)

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!!!!  I miss you so very much!!!!  Love you Shortie!!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

36 years

To My little angel:

Well 36 years for me has come and gone.  I celebrated my birthday by hanging out with your daddy watching football on the couch instead of baking a cake with you.  My memory drifts back to 6 years ago when you and I were waiting for the kitchen to be completed so that we could bake cakes together and maybe some chocolate chip cookies.  Hanging out with you and your daddy has always been my bliss, my happiness, my happy place.  Doing something with you was always more than enough to keep me going.  As yet another year is coming to a close and we approach yet another anniversary my thoughts turn to the days we had after you came home.  The days that you and I spent together making more memories.  I am so thankful for those moments and for the memories that we made.  I am thankful for every bucket of icing that you had to lick the last little bit out of because "Mommy it is chocolate, you can't waste chocolate".  I miss teaching you to cook and explore the different tastes of food.  I miss doing arts and crafts with you and watching you learn how to paint or draw or figure out how weird it felt to have the paint between your fingers and toes.

Thank you for the memories, thank you for the moments, thank you for being my baby!!!  Thank you for teaching me how awesome it is to be a MOMMY!!!  You are my reason!!!

Ok so I know you have been watching over us.  I know that you saw mommy and daddy get dressed up and go to the party on Saturday and I know that you were watching as we were able to see so many friends that we haven't seen in years.  Hard to believe it has been 6 years that we haven't seen some of them.  It is amazing after all this time that the friends and family that we had surrounding us when you left this earth are here supporting us so close to your sixth anniversary.  Amazing friends and the support is never failing and always there when we need it, so fortunate to have been surrounded by love 6 years ago and again in the week leading up to your angel birthday.  Sometimes I wonder how time could move so very fast and other days I wonder why it is crawling.  I am in no hurry to leave this earth, I believe that my time here is making a difference and I believe that I am doing what you left for me to do.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

I leave you with the harsh reality 36 children will be diagnosed with cancer today, 13,500 will be diagnosed this year, 7 will no be able to survive their treatments and 7 families will have to say good bye to a child way too young and way too soon!  Donate to Alyssa's Team at the Honolulu CureSearch Walk on September 15, 2012!  Help us to reach our goal!  Mahalo nui loa!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ITrd7fM6aY a beautiful song about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer his name is Ronan.  Watch it and try not to cry or be moved to help!!!

Moving experience

Dear Alyssa,

It is amazing to me that there are small ways that you come into my life and still show me that you are there.  This past Saturday I took a trip to Kaneohe this time not solely to see you but this time it was to go and visit a wonderful woman's house who raises butterflies.  It was one of the coolest experiences that I have ever had and I knew you were there I felt you.  We got there a little late but then we learned about butterflies about how to tell a female from a male, how long it takes to turn from a grown caterpillar to a butterfly, I got to hold a caterpillar or two and I got to hold and feed a few butterflies so much fun.  And I know that you would have had a blast. When we went into the big cage that the butterflies grew up in, that was where we fed them, I stood there with two cotton balls on my hand with sugar water on it, and on top of the two cotton balls sat two butterflies.  Is it weird that I felt you standing there with me? Then I look down not only do I have two on my hand but I also have one on my shirt too.

After we were done holding and feeding the butterflies it was time to release them.  Let them fly free and send a wish from me to the heavens.  Do you know what I wished for?  Did you hear my wish?

It was an awesome experience and I am so glad that we went!  

I miss you so much but it is so great that you are so close to where the butterflies are being born.  It is great that not only did I get to go and release a beautiful creature into the wild I got to spend a little time out with you.  I will do it again but I have to admit that it was a great way to start Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  

I love you so very much, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.  I will see you soon and thank you for being there in my dreams. 

Love always,

Mommy