Facing Nightmares

Facing the things of my nightmares. So today I got a phone call from your Nana and she told me that she got her mother's day gift which she loved partly because the little girl looked like you. She also told me about a little boy that was diagnosed with Wilm's Tumor.  It was flashbacks all over again.  It is hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we heard those horrible words "Alyssa has cancer it is Wilm's Tumor" it does seem like it was just yesterday.  I remember standing in the emergency room hearing those horrible words.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to not hear those words to not know about childhood had cancer to not have first hand knowledge about what it  is to watch your child fight for their life.

The dream...the wish...the hope that it can happen...

To have a world where there was no cancer...to have a world where children can be children...to have a world where doing homework is the toughest thing a child has to do or worry about... to have a world where the only thing to worry about is what to have for dinner..to have a world where the hardest decision to be made is which friend's house you will be spending your weekend...

If only the nightmares would be replaced with these wonderful dreams but then the reality hits...

The world that we live in is one where we have to worry about cancer...not just cancer but cancer in our babies...the world we live in there are some children who can't be children...they have more to  worry about than when they will be able to go and play...can't just worry about getting their homework done...can't just worry about what dinner will be...our children have to face the nightmares of fighting for their lives and we as parents have to sit by and hope that we are making the right decisions for the care of our babies...we as parents have to worry that the decision that we have made regarding what treatment route we took and if it was the right one...it isn't fair...then we have to face that horrible nightmare that comes when treatment is not enough when that little angel that you have been fighting for is taken from you...then comes the nightmare of making decisions about what casket you are going to choose or are you going to cremate your baby and scatter their ashes somewhere or are you going to leave them in an urn on a shelf in your home. It is a real nightmare making plans for a funeral that you were never supposed to have to plan...you are supposed to go first...

As mother's day approaches I wonder how many mothers will be glad that they have the opportunity to spend time with their little ones.  Will people remember that it doesn't matter how many children you see, there are mothers that can only hold their children in their hearts.

Dear Alyssa,

This Sunday is Mother's Day the 7th that I will be spending without you. The last Mother's Day that we spent together was spent in the hospital.  I was sitting beside your hospital bed watching over you waiting for the moment that you would open your eyes and tell me that you loved me.  I sat in that PICU hoping for a miracle or two hoping that things would change for you...what mother's day would be complete without worrying about your little one.  I wanted to be with you isn't that what Mother's day is supposed to be all about? Sitting in a chair beside a hospital bed, taking a break or two to go and eat or shower and maybe get a little sleep.  Wishing with all of your might that I could take the place of my sweet little angel.

The love that I have for you crosses time and space, it crosses the barrier between heaven and earth, it is the one thing that I know deep in my heart and soul will never fade or dull...It will always be there for me keeping me going making me want to succeed. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be your mommy.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy