Holidays

Dear Alyssa,
It is that time again and we are again celebrating without you. It sucks that this is what life has given to us to deal with but as always I am thankful for the memories I have of our holidays together. I was thinking today of our last Thanksgiving together baking a pumpkin pie with you making a huge mess in the kitchen and all of the help that you were on Thanksgiving helping to create our meal. The smile on your face while u helped with the pumpkin pie is one that I will never forget. I don't know if your love was for baking or if it was just being able to spend time with me in the kitchen. I loved teaching you things...especially to cook. The conversation that would come because of those experiences is priceless to me. I was always learning more from you than I think you were from me. I am and will alway be thankful that we were able to spend so much time together experiencing life. I keep thinking about the change in recipes with our pumpkin pie and you know to this day I don't make a pumpkin pie according to the directions.

Thanksgiving will always be my favorite holiday!!! I know it was your favorite too!!! I will always love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!!!

Love always,
Mommy!

Another angel, another angel-versary

Dear Alyssa,

I know that yesterday you were joined in heaven by another angel...I know that Meme finally made it to the one place she wanted to be for the last 12 years. Spending 91 years on earth leaving behind a legacy of 6 children, 18 grandchildren, and lots of great grandchildren. Meme was ready to go ready to join the love of her life and her oldest great grand-daughter and countless others that had gone before her. I was able to see Meme more than a year ago
. She was so happy to see me telling me that she didn't think she would ever be able to see me again. I am so happy that I got to see her and was able to get some awesome pictures of Meme and with Meme...many memories I will have forever.

Meme, Mommy and cousin Katherine

Meme

The only Great Granddaughter missing is you! From the Painter kids anyway!

I know that you and Grandaddy were there to greet her as she came through the heavenly gates and I am sure she was happy to see u both. We sure do miss u all so very much.

Needed u today as I am sure u noticed...came to visit and brought u flowers...had lunch and
needed some peace. I found some peace with you today.

Mommy, You and Auntie Dianne

Seven years you lived here with mommy and daddy, seven years you have had your beautiful angel wings, this year we would have celebrated 14 years. I know u would have been a fun teenager and we would have had a lot of fun together. Although I know you had to go I still can't help but miss you with every shred of my being. I have so many thoughts about u wondering how things would be different, miss those big moments in your life and always wishing for the little moments...like our lunches together, our pedicures, our arts and crafts times!!! I miss it all and am so jealous of those that have the opportunity to spend that kind of time with their kids and don't. Sometimes I wonder if they could get a glimpse into what it is like to watch their child fight for their life then maybe they would appreciate what they have with their child and make the most of every day.

I am thankful for the memories and pictures I have of you especially on hard days there is always a little smile from you that seems to turn some of those grey clouds into a rainbow.

I miss you my angel every day but even more so on your anniversary and days when we would have had fun together!  This week has been a difficult one knowing that we were approaching such a big anniversary. Hard to believe that just 7 years and 24 hours ago we were baking chocolate chip cookies in the new kitchen in our new oven.

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! I miss you more than can be imagined!

Could you come back and stay a while
I want to hear your voice
And see you smile
I want to hold you tight
And never let go
And tell you how much
I love you so
~by John F. Conner

I love you Alyssa Bailey Miller!!!

Love always,

Mommy

Saying Goodbye and saying prayers

Dear Alyssa,
I hate saying goodbye...I know...I know..."Mommy never say goodbye" is what you would always tell me "say see you soon instead." It is hard to say see you soon and know that the only way you are going to see that person is in your dreams, if you are so lucky or if you have faith that heaven is where you will be reunited.  But if you are lucky like I am every time I see a butterfly I know you are close by.  I know that everyone has their own thing and some are closer to being able to see their loved ones than most.  You and I have always had a special bond my little shortie.  I know that no matter where I am you are not far behind even though you are an angel now.  I also know that you have been looking out for Uncle Fenton and Aunt Margie. I am sure that you aren't too far away from them in their time of need giving peace of mind and showering them with love.  I continue to hope that you stay with them and guide them through these rough waters.

I have been thinking a lot about you and your love for Uncle Fenton and Aunt Margie.  Uncle Fenton always watched over you in not only a protective way but with so much love.

The only people you ever felt comfortable with to leave Mommy and Daddy when you were sick.  You went with them without any reservations turned around and looked at your Daddy and I and said see you later I am going with MY Uncle Fenton and Aunt Margie!  You never left off the MY!!!

Take care of and bless your Uncle Fenton and Aunt Margie.  Love them in the hour of their need and give them the smile that only you can.  

"Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love,

TIME IS ETERNITY."

~ Henry Van Dyke

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!  I miss you more than all the love this world has to give times infinity!!!  I will see you soon my little butterfly, in my dreams!!!

Love,

Mommy

Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by how many children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart" - Franchesca Cox

Dear Alyssa,

So today was Mother's Day, the seventh without you, the day that Moms are supposed to be able to spend time with their children. I missed you!  I know you were here with me in some way but I will always miss you waking me up and telling me that you love me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. 

Did spend some time visiting you on Friday and it was so nice except for the rain.  Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to tell me something when you decide to rain on me while I am there.  It cleared up the whole time that I was out there and I was getting ready to leave and then watched a wall of rain coming toward me.  It was pretty amazing to watch.

I love you angel and wish that we could have spent more time together. I miss our beauty days that we used to have for Mother's Day too was thinking about that today and the last time that we were able to go before you relapsed.  It makes me smile to remember you picking out the color that you were going to use on your toes and another color on your fingers.  You must have picked out about 5 different colors of purple and then a couple of pink.  You finally decided on a purple for your toes and then a pink for your fingernails.  Watching you sit in the chair with your little feet in the foot bath and then how delighted you were when you saw them paint a butterfly on your toe.  It is one of those moments that always makes me smile.  I cherish those memories especially the ones that are Mother Daughter moments.

I am so glad that I was given seven years with you I will always wish for more but the truth is that I know how lucky I am to have had even seven years.  I know how many other moms don't get to spend even one with their little one. The memories that I have I will treasure for a lifetime. 

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies that don't get to spend their Mother's Day with their babies.  

Facing Nightmares

Facing the things of my nightmares. So today I got a phone call from your Nana and she told me that she got her mother's day gift which she loved partly because the little girl looked like you. She also told me about a little boy that was diagnosed with Wilm's Tumor.  It was flashbacks all over again.  It is hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we heard those horrible words "Alyssa has cancer it is Wilm's Tumor" it does seem like it was just yesterday.  I remember standing in the emergency room hearing those horrible words.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to not hear those words to not know about childhood had cancer to not have first hand knowledge about what it  is to watch your child fight for their life.

The dream...the wish...the hope that it can happen...

To have a world where there was no cancer...to have a world where children can be children...to have a world where doing homework is the toughest thing a child has to do or worry about... to have a world where the only thing to worry about is what to have for dinner..to have a world where the hardest decision to be made is which friend's house you will be spending your weekend...

If only the nightmares would be replaced with these wonderful dreams but then the reality hits...

The world that we live in is one where we have to worry about cancer...not just cancer but cancer in our babies...the world we live in there are some children who can't be children...they have more to  worry about than when they will be able to go and play...can't just worry about getting their homework done...can't just worry about what dinner will be...our children have to face the nightmares of fighting for their lives and we as parents have to sit by and hope that we are making the right decisions for the care of our babies...we as parents have to worry that the decision that we have made regarding what treatment route we took and if it was the right one...it isn't fair...then we have to face that horrible nightmare that comes when treatment is not enough when that little angel that you have been fighting for is taken from you...then comes the nightmare of making decisions about what casket you are going to choose or are you going to cremate your baby and scatter their ashes somewhere or are you going to leave them in an urn on a shelf in your home. It is a real nightmare making plans for a funeral that you were never supposed to have to plan...you are supposed to go first...

As mother's day approaches I wonder how many mothers will be glad that they have the opportunity to spend time with their little ones.  Will people remember that it doesn't matter how many children you see, there are mothers that can only hold their children in their hearts.

Dear Alyssa,

This Sunday is Mother's Day the 7th that I will be spending without you. The last Mother's Day that we spent together was spent in the hospital.  I was sitting beside your hospital bed watching over you waiting for the moment that you would open your eyes and tell me that you loved me.  I sat in that PICU hoping for a miracle or two hoping that things would change for you...what mother's day would be complete without worrying about your little one.  I wanted to be with you isn't that what Mother's day is supposed to be all about? Sitting in a chair beside a hospital bed, taking a break or two to go and eat or shower and maybe get a little sleep.  Wishing with all of your might that I could take the place of my sweet little angel.

The love that I have for you crosses time and space, it crosses the barrier between heaven and earth, it is the one thing that I know deep in my heart and soul will never fade or dull...It will always be there for me keeping me going making me want to succeed. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be your mommy.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy

Missing You

Dear Alyssa,

Yet another birthday has come and gone for you this one was one of the hardest that I have ever had to celebrate (7 here 7 gone).  Lucky for me I had your Nana and Papaw here to help me celebrate.  Nana and I went out to the cemetery to visit you and take you some party! We brought out confetti and now your little spot sparkles like the sun.  Very fitting for my little sunshine.  We also had dinner at Outback Steakhouse your favorite restaurant. It was good but would have been better if you were there with us.  Can't believe that you would have been 14 years old and it is even harder for me to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been able to celebrate a birthday with you.  We sure did love celebrating birthdays didn't we.  I miss baking cakes with you, I wonder if you would still want to do that with me? I miss being able to do our special thing together always your choice and normally it was going and getting our nails done. Either me doing it for you in the hospital or us going to a nail place and getting them done there.  We had a lot of fun.  I miss our girly days hanging out and having fun. I also miss seeing you hang out with your daddy. I wonder if you would still enjoy that, I guess by now it would be a little un-cool to hang out with your parents huh? I hate that I can't go into your room in the mornings kiss you on the forehead and tell you "Good Morning Sunshine time to rise and shine". I hate that there are parents out there that don't appreciate what they have in their child and the opportunity that they have to make a difference in a little person's life and that they don't see that they need to raise their children to be wonderful self sufficient humans capable of making a difference in the lives of others, helping them to become functioning members of society.  You my beautiful little angel I know would have been one hell of an adult. Making an major difference in other people's lives.  Your caring spirit and loving ways changed everyone that you came in contact with and I am proud that I had even  little bit to do with that.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!  Miss you more than all the grains of sand on the beaches and beneath the waves times infinity.  All my love my beautiful angel!  I hope you had a Happy Birthday!!!

Here is my Birthday wish to you that I posted on your Facebook page:

I think of you daily but never more than on the day you were born. I am so thankful that I was given the opportunity to be your mommy. You changed me made me realize what true love is, made me understand what my purpose in life should be and what giving of one's self truly means. You showed me how to be a better person to care more for others than for myself and to always try to be conscious of the way I treat others. On this day of your birth although I only had seven to spend with u and the last seven without you I am thankful for the reminders of the celebrations we had with u, although never huge they were and always will be filled with love. I can't help but wonder what u would be like in your 14 years but unfortunately that is something I will never be able to find out. You are loved, you are remembered, you are missed incredibly. I love u more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity. Happy Birthday my beautiful angel! I will see u soon if only in my dreams.


Thinking and dreaming of you always and loving you until the end of time!

Love you forever,
Mommy!