Second Week Senior Year...

Dear Alyssa,

It is hard to believe that my little peanut would be in her second week of her senior year...we would be doing senior pictures, picking your class ring, figuring out what you would be doing for college next year, finding a senior prom dress and shoes, getting your cap and gown, preparing for your huge luau after your graduation, finding that first boyfriend who would be the love of your life I am sure, learning so many new things...I can't believe you would have a senior and instead of doing all these fun things with you I am just dreaming about who and what you would be. What awesome personality you would have? Would you be involved in every portion of high school life? Would you be popular or the shy kid? Would you still enjoy spending time with your old mom or would you only spend time with me just as little as possible? I keep envisioning you as a 17-year-old...your long red hair...your beautiful smile and laugh...probably as tall as me maybe a little shorter...your kind and loving heart...your involvement with all your sisters and brothers in the fight standing next to you. I stand by and watch all the keiki that you grew up with seeing them and the things they do. I wonder if you would be dancing hula like a pro now. It makes me smile thinking about what you would be like but it also makes me sad for the things you never got to experience and for the things I never got to watch you experience as your mom. There are so many things I wish for but on the other side, I am very thankful for the things I got to experience with you that most parents take for granted. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I am so in awe of all the things that you endured in such a short amount and at such a young age. I know you aren't in pain anymoreand you are able to be around everyone that you love but I honestly miss being a mommy to you and watching you grow up and become a beautiful woman. Thank you for being my baby!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,

Mommy

Finding a new normal...

Dear Alyssa,

So I have been asked this a lot...how do you do it? How do you go on? I had never really had an answer or really thought about how I should answer, but lately, it has been on my mind a lot...why don't I have an answer to that question...is there an answer to that question...and do I really want to know the answer. I keep thinking that maybe knowing the answer to that question might break the control that I think I have on my life or make me fall into some strange pit that I will have to pull myself out of. The more I think about the question though the more I think I have come up with an answer that may explain it to others in a way that they don't have to step into my shoes in order to understand. My situation is unique because no one expects the horrors of childhood cancer or the things that your family will have to endure if your child passes away. But thinking of how most people look at life (I think) everyone has to find a new normal more than you would think, starting at birth you find a new normal starting with things like learning to talk, to walk, to sit up, to eat all by yourself...then as you get older you have to find a new normal when you start school and have to leave your parents for the first time, you have to find a new normal when you get your drivers license, go off to college, move into your first apartment, get your first job, go off to the military,  get married, have babies...each time you reach a milestone in your life be it small or large, good or bad, forced or planned you have to find a new normal. With every new normal comes a new set of things you have to learn and experience. Although a road with childhood cancer is not an easy one there was a new normal that came with it as well...learning the many names of chemotherapies, learning about radiation and how it works, learning the different types of childhood cancer because inevitably you are going to meet all kinds of wonderful people who are in this new normal with you, you learn how to tell a child of the horrors that they have to endure in order to be "healthy" again and away from this monster and teach them that this new normal is going to change how life is lived. This new normal teaches you humility, it teaches you thankfulness, it teaches you love, it teaches you not to take a moment for granted, it teaches you to cherish every little detail. It teaches you to find what you know and hold onto it, this new normal forges new bonds and strengthens old bonds or it sometimes even severs them...this new normal becomes your new way of life...learning that there is not enough funding for our children to get them all healthy again...this new normal is cruel...it takes you from a loving "normal" family to a family struggling to survive...this new normal brings about fear, it brings hope, it brings a family together or it can break a family apart...it takes everything you thought you knew and pushes it right out the door. Learning to deal with this new normal is not easy..learning to put faith, hope, trust, the life of your child in the hands of others is a part of this new normal and definitely not an easy part of the new normal. Then for some of us that journey continues and the new normal includes the after-effects of the chemotherapy and radiation that their child had to endure. For others the path is worse...the new normal that is faced is losing your child...finding another new normal where all of the things that you have learned in any previous normals are no longer relevant...in this new normal you have to reinvent yourself...find out who you are again...find out who your partner is...find out how to honor your baby that was taken from you...in this new normal you have to endure bad days and good days...in this new normal there are no easy answers, there is no path to follow you have to forge this new normal with no guide and learn to find peace in your new normal...finding this new normal takes a long time it is something that can't be measured in moments, hours, years, even a lifetime...because in this new normal the little life that you brought into the world is no longer here for you to see them become an adult...it is not something that is normal or wanted but it is thrust upon you and either you find your new normal or your new normal runs you over like a steamroller....

Remember the next time that you talk to a family that has lost a child don't tell them their child is in a better place...don't tell them well that was years ago aren't you over that yet?...Don't try to give them advice...let them talk to you and you talk to them about their child they truly want to know that you remember their child that they made an impact on your life...

A grieving parent will always be a grieving parent one who is living with the loss of their child coping each day to live on and make a difference, to find their new normal...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity Alyssa!! 

Love always,

Mommy

Changes

Dear Alyssa,

In life everything must change for without change there would be no butterflies. I know I read that somewhere....I just don't remember where. My life over the last year and a half has changed a lot. Changed from something that I recognize to something that is very foreign to me. I thought a year ago that I had things figured out that I was dealing with losing you. Do you know it devastated me to lose you? It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with...most all of the things on my list of things that have overwhelmed me have happened since I lost you. It feels like I am in it alone...sinking to the bottom of whatever void I am swimming in...I feel like I am going to drown and then someone reaches a hand out and tries to save me...then in an instant that hand is gone and I am sinking again...then it happens again...there is another hand as a lifeline only to be yanked from me again...it keeps happening over and over again. What am I supposed to do? Is this what grief is? A series of hands reaching out to help me and then they are pulled away? I thought that I had a partner in all of this someone who would always understand where I was, what I needed, the pain I feel. I was wrong. We made a commitment to one another and that commitment has been severed. A few signatures and the life that had been created...gone. The home that had been erected...stolen. The memories...incinerated and left in the dust. How can one choice by another person shatter all of your hopes and dreams for the future? How can one person's selfish nature rob another of the hopes and dreams they had for the future? How can one person who built a life with someone just walk away? 

I would like to say it is as easy as hating that person for all they have done to me in the past. That I would change that one decision that I made to spend my life with that person, however, I know there is nothing that I would change about making that decision because without that decision there would never have been you. You are the one reason that any of the things that have happened in the last year and a half has been bearable, you are the only reason I have continued on. In spite of all that has gone on there is one thing I always wonder, "would Alyssa be proud of her mommy?" So shortie are you proud of your mommy?

Change...something we all experience in life...something that even though we may not be prepared for we embrace or allow to overtake us. I have chosen to embrace change...I have embraced being myself again, I embraced taking back control of my life again, and I am attempting to embrace being alone again...as I look back on the last year and a half I know that I am in a place where strength is a necessity, where although I have no idea where the future will take me I know that you will follow or maybe you are leading. I know that no matter how much I leave behind that I will gain a lot too. You are my reason...you are my strength...you are my weakness...you are always and forever my little love...

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!❤️

Love always,

Mommy

Thinking of you...

You changed me.

You changed who I am.

You changed who I will be.

I am forever changed because of you.

You've taught me that love has no boundaries.

You've taught me that there is more to life than what I know.

You've taught me to really truly count my blessings.

You've taught me the strength of a bond between mother and child.

Life is unpredictable 

Life is about the love you share, and the people that you share it with.

Life isn't easy and there is pain beyond measure. 

But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.

I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others

The way you have forever changed me.

~ Author Unknown

Dear Alyssa,

It has been way too long since I have written to you but today when I saw this I thought of you. I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!! I miss you so much!!!

Thank you shortie for visiting me this morning!!!

Love always,

Mommy

Rough days....

Dear Alyssa,

As you know rough days come and go...they come along and take you by surprise...they eat you up and spit you out...they are those days where you don't want to get out of bed, the days where you get up out of bed and sometimes wonder if you should have gotten out of bed at all...I hate those days, the ones that sneak up on you and grab a hold pulling you into some sort of vortex that you can't seem to pull out of...then in that moment when I think things could get worse I see your little face out of the corner of my eye, or hear your little voice in the breezes telling me mommy you can make it through today...you can make it through this...thinking of you!

Every time that life throws in a curve ball it always sends me spinning...it makes me wonder if I can make it through any more...and I wonder if I have made it through...I wonder if my number keeps being called because I am brave or I am just too stupid to turn away and say no more...then I think of you.

I look up at the clouds...remember like we used to when we wanted to be transported somewhere else...I see little pictures in the clouds...I see you your creativity...I hear your laughter...I feel your hand in mine...I see your little hand flying up....and your little voice asking mommy do you see it...are you here with me...thinking of you!

Today was a rough day...I got a glimpse of what it must have felt like for our families not being able to be here and feeling helpless...do you know how helpless I feel right now...do you know how badly I wish I could fix it all...make life better for everyone...find that peace...is there peace...is there a cure...always thinking of you! 

I love you peanut, shortie, bratnose...miss our little chats...do you hear it when I talk to you...do you know you never leave my thoughts...do you know that you are forever mine..that you are my sunshine...thinking of you!

Rough days will come and go...I know that you are always near...cheering me on telling me that it isn't so bad, even though in the moment it feels horrible...you are truly brave!!!

...THINKING OF YOU!!!

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!!

Love always,

Mommy

#curechildhoodcancer #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth #kidsgetcancertoo

8 years

Dear Alyssa,

Seems like an eternity since I last held you in my arms, saw your sweet face, hugged you or told you in person I love you. It is hard to be without you...

Although I have been told "at least it has only been 8 years....at least she is in a better place....at least you had 7 years with her."  Well I hate to tell you but 8 years is way too long!!! What better place could you be than with your mommy and daddy who love you!!! 7 years was not long enough,  I want to ask them why don't you try only having your baby for 7 years. 

8 years it has been since I saw your sweet face...I miss you so much! Some people don't know how lucky they are to be able to watch their babies grow up and take on the world. I wish I could see you take on the world...I could see it my beautiful little girl taking on the world and winning making a difference. You would be one of these kids making research for childhood cancer a priority! I miss your spunk and attitude taken too soon from this world.

I love you my spunky little red-headed purple angel! I will love you forever and always! I love and miss you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity! 

Love always, 

Mommy!

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I have tried!

I miss your sweet face, I miss your sweet smile, I miss your wonderful laugh, I miss our snuggle time, I miss watching you grow up, I miss watching you learn, I miss listening to your stories about your day, I miss watching you sing and dance, I miss your hugs and kisses, I miss you telling me I love you Mommy, I miss cooking and baking with you, I miss our mommy daughter days, I miss our outings......

I JUST REALLY MISS YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU Alyssa Bailey Miller!!! More than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!! I will see you soon and always in my dreams!!!!

#anotheryearwithoutalyssa

#gonetosoon

#curechildhoodcancer 

Quiet reflection

Dear Alyssa,
I love days like this where I am the only person out here visiting.  Surrounded by wild life a few cats, plenty of birds and the sound of quiet. It gives me a chance to clear my head. No phones ringing, no where to run to in a hurry, the sun shinning down on me through the clouds and the beauty that surrounds me ....it is so peaceful. I take the time to put pretty flowers in your vases and to enjoy some of the beauty in time to go and get stuck in traffic to head back to our house but I am truly thankful for the time that I am able to spend with you.  It is the same peace I used to feel as I sat next to you while you slept. There is nothing like watching the peaceful sleep that comes over a child, no worries, no troubles...I wish that was what you were blessed with.

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity!!!

Love,

Mommy!!!