Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by how many children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart" - Franchesca Cox

Dear Alyssa,

So today was Mother's Day, the seventh without you, the day that Moms are supposed to be able to spend time with their children. I missed you!  I know you were here with me in some way but I will always miss you waking me up and telling me that you love me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. 

Did spend some time visiting you on Friday and it was so nice except for the rain.  Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to tell me something when you decide to rain on me while I am there.  It cleared up the whole time that I was out there and I was getting ready to leave and then watched a wall of rain coming toward me.  It was pretty amazing to watch.

I love you angel and wish that we could have spent more time together. I miss our beauty days that we used to have for Mother's Day too was thinking about that today and the last time that we were able to go before you relapsed.  It makes me smile to remember you picking out the color that you were going to use on your toes and another color on your fingers.  You must have picked out about 5 different colors of purple and then a couple of pink.  You finally decided on a purple for your toes and then a pink for your fingernails.  Watching you sit in the chair with your little feet in the foot bath and then how delighted you were when you saw them paint a butterfly on your toe.  It is one of those moments that always makes me smile.  I cherish those memories especially the ones that are Mother Daughter moments.

I am so glad that I was given seven years with you I will always wish for more but the truth is that I know how lucky I am to have had even seven years.  I know how many other moms don't get to spend even one with their little one. The memories that I have I will treasure for a lifetime. 

I love you more than all the stars in the heavens seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies that don't get to spend their Mother's Day with their babies.  

Facing Nightmares

Facing the things of my nightmares. So today I got a phone call from your Nana and she told me that she got her mother's day gift which she loved partly because the little girl looked like you. She also told me about a little boy that was diagnosed with Wilm's Tumor.  It was flashbacks all over again.  It is hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we heard those horrible words "Alyssa has cancer it is Wilm's Tumor" it does seem like it was just yesterday.  I remember standing in the emergency room hearing those horrible words.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to not hear those words to not know about childhood had cancer to not have first hand knowledge about what it  is to watch your child fight for their life.

The dream...the wish...the hope that it can happen...

To have a world where there was no cancer...to have a world where children can be children...to have a world where doing homework is the toughest thing a child has to do or worry about... to have a world where the only thing to worry about is what to have for dinner..to have a world where the hardest decision to be made is which friend's house you will be spending your weekend...

If only the nightmares would be replaced with these wonderful dreams but then the reality hits...

The world that we live in is one where we have to worry about cancer...not just cancer but cancer in our babies...the world we live in there are some children who can't be children...they have more to  worry about than when they will be able to go and play...can't just worry about getting their homework done...can't just worry about what dinner will be...our children have to face the nightmares of fighting for their lives and we as parents have to sit by and hope that we are making the right decisions for the care of our babies...we as parents have to worry that the decision that we have made regarding what treatment route we took and if it was the right one...it isn't fair...then we have to face that horrible nightmare that comes when treatment is not enough when that little angel that you have been fighting for is taken from you...then comes the nightmare of making decisions about what casket you are going to choose or are you going to cremate your baby and scatter their ashes somewhere or are you going to leave them in an urn on a shelf in your home. It is a real nightmare making plans for a funeral that you were never supposed to have to plan...you are supposed to go first...

As mother's day approaches I wonder how many mothers will be glad that they have the opportunity to spend time with their little ones.  Will people remember that it doesn't matter how many children you see, there are mothers that can only hold their children in their hearts.

Dear Alyssa,

This Sunday is Mother's Day the 7th that I will be spending without you. The last Mother's Day that we spent together was spent in the hospital.  I was sitting beside your hospital bed watching over you waiting for the moment that you would open your eyes and tell me that you loved me.  I sat in that PICU hoping for a miracle or two hoping that things would change for you...what mother's day would be complete without worrying about your little one.  I wanted to be with you isn't that what Mother's day is supposed to be all about? Sitting in a chair beside a hospital bed, taking a break or two to go and eat or shower and maybe get a little sleep.  Wishing with all of your might that I could take the place of my sweet little angel.

The love that I have for you crosses time and space, it crosses the barrier between heaven and earth, it is the one thing that I know deep in my heart and soul will never fade or dull...It will always be there for me keeping me going making me want to succeed. I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be your mommy.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy