Saying Goodbye

Saturday, September 23, 2006, the day that each parent dreads and hopes never happens to them, the day that I never thought would happen to us...

6 years ago we were making preparations for saying goodbye to you. Welcoming family from out of town into our home, not the way we ever thought that we would have the whole here in Hawaii together (at least your grandparents) I was hoping for a happy occasion, like a wedding or a graduation or I would have settled for a NO MORE CANCER party, but no it was because we had to say goodbye to you our baby, our little girl.  We were making sure that we honored you the way we were supposed to (decorating a church purple if we had to), going and visiting cemeteries, picking out a casket, putting as much thought and care into your memorial service as possible.  That was not where we were supposed to be!!!!  STUPID CANCER!!!!  We were so fortunate to have so many of our ohana helping us making sure that we did not want for anything besides you.  The one person we wanted more than anyone else.

How are you supposed to say goodbye to your baby? How are you supposed to make funeral arrangements for a 7 year old? It wasn't right...this had to be a dream...why us?  Why was it that we happened to be that family the one that you turn to and say you are sorry...then turn away from them and look to someone for guidance on what to say or do?  Why were we that family that people distanced themselves from because they didn't know what to say or do around us?  When in reality there was nothing that they could say to make any of it better or change the fact that we had lost our baby. How did we end up those poor people instead of mommy and daddy or just Marv and Maude?

Then the questions come are we still considered a family or are we just two people who are married?  Are we still considered Mommy and Daddy even though our baby is not here?  How was this going to change our relationship as husband and wife?  Were we going to drift our own ways and not even be a couple anymore?  Were we still going to be those determined people who fight for their baby even though she isn't here? Fight for a cause that took her innocence and took her from us?  Was it time to give up????  Does anyone really want to talk to those people?  Those people the ones who only talk about the child that they lost?  How long is too long to grieve?  Is grief ever done?????

DOES ANY ONE REALLY HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS????

We were THOSE PEOPLE now, those people who are a Mommy and a Daddy with no child to be an active Mommy and Daddy to, those people who you ask well how many kids do you have? The answer is one. Then always comes the next question where is she/he? The answer for that one in Heaven.  And then you get that look and a oh wow I am so SORRY!!!!  Well yeah me too!!!!  So now the question is how do we go from THOSE POOR PEOPLE to Marv and Maude again?  Is it possible????

We didn't have the answer then!  But the answer 6 years later is no it is not possible to be just the way we were before...it is not possible to be just a Mommy and a Daddy now...it is however possible to be an advocate for children who are facing CANCER, it is possible to be a Mommy or Daddy to an angel and make a difference in her name without screaming from the top of your lungs that your daughter was stolen from you by cancer.  It is possible to be a good person, grieve the loss of your loved one by making that grief into something positive, by making sure that no other parent has to hear the words "YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER" or "I AM SORRY THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT WE CAN DO".

We know now it is not possible to change the past but it is possible to change the future, it is possible to make sure that no other child is lost and no other family has to make funeral arrangements for their baby.  Making life better for another was now the goal, making sure other families have the support that they need.  The goal was to change the things that stood in our way or move them if there was no way to change them, and change those things that so many people said "YOU CAN'T CHANGE" to be the person who makes a difference....

Dear Alyssa,

Last week was not only the anniversary of you getting your angel wings but it was also the Honolulu CureSearch Walk.  I hope that you are proud of the way that things turned out.  Thank you for the Hawaiian Blessing that came at the beginning of the walk.  Always trying to make your presence known.  :)

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity!!!!  I miss you so very much!!!!  Love you Shortie!!!!

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

36 years

To My little angel:

Well 36 years for me has come and gone.  I celebrated my birthday by hanging out with your daddy watching football on the couch instead of baking a cake with you.  My memory drifts back to 6 years ago when you and I were waiting for the kitchen to be completed so that we could bake cakes together and maybe some chocolate chip cookies.  Hanging out with you and your daddy has always been my bliss, my happiness, my happy place.  Doing something with you was always more than enough to keep me going.  As yet another year is coming to a close and we approach yet another anniversary my thoughts turn to the days we had after you came home.  The days that you and I spent together making more memories.  I am so thankful for those moments and for the memories that we made.  I am thankful for every bucket of icing that you had to lick the last little bit out of because "Mommy it is chocolate, you can't waste chocolate".  I miss teaching you to cook and explore the different tastes of food.  I miss doing arts and crafts with you and watching you learn how to paint or draw or figure out how weird it felt to have the paint between your fingers and toes.

Thank you for the memories, thank you for the moments, thank you for being my baby!!!  Thank you for teaching me how awesome it is to be a MOMMY!!!  You are my reason!!!

Ok so I know you have been watching over us.  I know that you saw mommy and daddy get dressed up and go to the party on Saturday and I know that you were watching as we were able to see so many friends that we haven't seen in years.  Hard to believe it has been 6 years that we haven't seen some of them.  It is amazing after all this time that the friends and family that we had surrounding us when you left this earth are here supporting us so close to your sixth anniversary.  Amazing friends and the support is never failing and always there when we need it, so fortunate to have been surrounded by love 6 years ago and again in the week leading up to your angel birthday.  Sometimes I wonder how time could move so very fast and other days I wonder why it is crawling.  I am in no hurry to leave this earth, I believe that my time here is making a difference and I believe that I am doing what you left for me to do.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.

Love always,
Mommy!!!!

I leave you with the harsh reality 36 children will be diagnosed with cancer today, 13,500 will be diagnosed this year, 7 will no be able to survive their treatments and 7 families will have to say good bye to a child way too young and way too soon!  Donate to Alyssa's Team at the Honolulu CureSearch Walk on September 15, 2012!  Help us to reach our goal!  Mahalo nui loa!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ITrd7fM6aY a beautiful song about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer his name is Ronan.  Watch it and try not to cry or be moved to help!!!

Moving experience

Dear Alyssa,

It is amazing to me that there are small ways that you come into my life and still show me that you are there.  This past Saturday I took a trip to Kaneohe this time not solely to see you but this time it was to go and visit a wonderful woman's house who raises butterflies.  It was one of the coolest experiences that I have ever had and I knew you were there I felt you.  We got there a little late but then we learned about butterflies about how to tell a female from a male, how long it takes to turn from a grown caterpillar to a butterfly, I got to hold a caterpillar or two and I got to hold and feed a few butterflies so much fun.  And I know that you would have had a blast. When we went into the big cage that the butterflies grew up in, that was where we fed them, I stood there with two cotton balls on my hand with sugar water on it, and on top of the two cotton balls sat two butterflies.  Is it weird that I felt you standing there with me? Then I look down not only do I have two on my hand but I also have one on my shirt too.

After we were done holding and feeding the butterflies it was time to release them.  Let them fly free and send a wish from me to the heavens.  Do you know what I wished for?  Did you hear my wish?

It was an awesome experience and I am so glad that we went!  

I miss you so much but it is so great that you are so close to where the butterflies are being born.  It is great that not only did I get to go and release a beautiful creature into the wild I got to spend a little time out with you.  I will do it again but I have to admit that it was a great way to start Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  

I love you so very much, more than all the stars in the sky seen and unseen times infinity.  I will see you soon and thank you for being there in my dreams. 

Love always,

Mommy